Choose Life
by Verbl Kint 187
Summary: Rei based story on self discovery and life. Some angst, just a little bit of romance and some killing.
1. Default Chapter

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Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, it is in fact owned by Gainax. Neither is there any intention to copy the works of any other writers. Any similarities in plot, situations, character dialogue, etc. found between this fic and any other fic is unintentional and purely coincidental.

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Pre-Story Author's Notes: This pertains to the production and release of the story, so please read at least the first few lines of this.

This story was originally released sometime late last year I think, in October or November. Back then it was titled Moonlight Sonata. However at the time I didn't know that there was a story written long before mine, by an author named Hotwire, called Moonlight Sonata. So out of respect for the author, I have changed the name of my story to Choose Life.

Furthermore, I had planned for this story to be released as one work, however readers suggested that in order to make it more "reader friendly", I should break it down into parts. So I broke it down into three parts. Then I released the chapters as I finished editing them individually. That wasn't such a good idea. As it turned out, after reading the third chapter, I discovered…that I really didn't think that I flowed well at all. So I erased the entire thing and re-did it. The process repeated itself several times until I finally got what I wanted. Then I looked over the first two parts and I decided they needed a little bit of grammar editing as well, so I pulled the story entirely and decided to do something I would never normally dare do, release a revised edition. 

I know it's been a few months, but I have excuses, not reasons. College, full time work, bills, SO and other shit…

So here it is. I hope you enjoy it. All reviews are greatly appreciated (don't worry to all of those who reviewed the first time around, I saved the reviews before I pulled the story). If you believe that story is wonderful, great. If you think I should meet with some unfortunate accident involving my garbage disposal, so be it. 

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Choose Life, Part 1

I am the being known as Rei Ayanami. I had always hoped that one day I could call myself a Lillum or rather, a human. But for the longest time I didn't know what I was, or I should say I didn't know what to call myself. I had never felt emotions and was utterly ignorant to the fact that they existed, that is, up until a certain point in my life. Of course I noticed a distinct behavioral difference between others and myself, but I never paid much attention to those differences, or rather I had been taught not to pay attention. Commander Ikari had always told me that the differences made me special. He told me that I had none of their weaknesses and all of their strengths. He told me that unlike them, I had a purpose.

So it was that for the longest time, I had been under the impression that I was expendable, that I could always be replaced. I don't remember ever feeling comforted by that, but it made my existence much easier. In fact, I don't remember feeling anything at all, until the appearance of the Third Child or rather, Pilot Ikari…or maybe even Shinji Ikari. Yes, Shinji Ikari…that works well, but I digress. So imagine the disquiet I felt when I was told that I could no longer be replaced, that I was no longer Rei Ayanami the Third, Second or even First, but just plain Rei Ayanami.

I believe that was the first feeling, or rather emotion, I had felt as the Third. However, one could say that the first emotions that I had were as the Second, so I could start my story there. But then there is a large gap in time that I would have to fill, so maybe I'll start at the time that I felt the disquiet at being told that I was no longer replaceable. As I think, that is too long ago. So I shall start at three weeks ago, when I felt something that was much stronger…

*******

The day had been a Saturday, and it began like any of my other days. I woke up at six and my breakfast consisted of a cup of tea with some miso soup, tofu and green onions. It would have been a traditional Japanese breakfast, except I had no fish, an oversight on my part the last time that I went to the market. Fish had always been one of the few meats that I would eat and even then, I ate it sparingly. I had always and still do, detest the idea of eating another animal's flesh. I feel that it is a waste of life. After all, why kill another animal for nutrients that could be acquired by ingesting a vegetable?

So after my breakfast, I practiced playing the piano for about an hour. I shall explain how I acquired the piano when the time proves more suitable. After practicing a bit on various pieces, I had turned to reading Frankenstein, a book I had seen in the store a day before. Again, I shall explain how I learned to speak and read English, more or less fluently, at a more reasonable time. I was disturbed from my reading by a knocking on my door. I went to see who it was, and found Lt. Col. Katsuragi and Pilot Sohryuu, or rather Misato and Asuka, standing at my door.

Asuka had a surly coupled with embarrassed look upon her face. Yet its strange that I cannot remember Asuka before then being anything but surly. Misato had pleasant, yet businesslike air to her.

"Good morning Rei! I hope we're not disturbing you." Misato began in a cheerful voice. Asuka muttered something under her breath that I did not catch, but whatever she said had warranted an elbow jab from Misato.

"Good morning Colonel Katsuragi." I replied, for even then, I had not been accustomed to referring to her by her given name.

"We're not on duty Rei. Please call me Misato." I can not recall how many times we had gone through that routine. My usual response would have been that she was a superior and that I should call her by her title. Then she would respond with a sigh, I think of exasperation. However I did not respond in that fashion, instead just nodding.

"For what reason are you at my residence?" I asked, just a tad curious of why they were there. 

"Well…" Misato had begun hesitantly, "It's rather complicated. May we enter?"

"Of course." I replied and stepped aside so that they could enter. Eventually, we were all seated in my dining area. I felt the tension between Asuka and Misato, and their demeanors slowly began to change. Asuka seemed to be uneasy, while Misato became more businesslike.

"I would like to ask a favor of you Rei." Misato began.

"A favor?" That had piqued my curiosity, for at the time I had heard the term 'favor' used before, but I never really knew the exact meaning.

"Yes, a favor. Would it be an inconvenience to you if…" Misato seemed to trail off nervously for a second before catching herself. "What I mean to ask is, if you would mind Asuka living with you." I noticed out of the corner of my eye Asuka blushing, but I dismissed it for my thoughts were occupied elsewhere. The question had rather confused me since I was not exactly sure what Misato had meant. Understand that I had always lived alone for as long as I could remember, and the thought of someone living in the same apartment with me was rather foreign and should I say, uncomfortable? Yes, uncomfortable.

"Colonel…"

"Misato." She was quick to correct me.

"Misato…" I restarted, "You wish to know…if I would be inconvenienced should Asuka be quartered with me?"

"Yes." She affirmed simply. I admit I was greatly at a loss of what to say or do, so I replied in the way that I usually did when confronted with such a situation.

"Is that an order?" I heard two sighs, one of exasperation, another of relief.

"No Rei." Misato said in a disappointed tone. I felt something then that I could only place as being relief, for it made my decision much easier.

"I am sorry. Unfortunately, I do not have the required space to accommodate another resident here." Then I noticed Asuka's mood change drastically.

"All right then, you heard her Misato, let's go." That had been the first time I had heard Asuka speak since they had arrived. "She doesn't have enough room. So you'll just have to find someplace else."

"Thank you for your time Rei." Misato said tiredly and stood up.

Now all the time that they had been there, I had not been informed to the nature of their visit. They had asked me a rather unusual question without explaining themselves, and to say the least, I found that rather curious. At any other occasion I would've left it at the way it was, but at the same time the curiosity that I felt was unusually strong, so I decided that it was better to satisfy this odd feeling rather than fight it and question why I felt it.

"Colonel…"

"Misato."

"Misato, would you please explain to me why Sohryuu is changing residence?" I asked as I walked them to the door.

"Hey Wonder Girl! Mind your own business all right?" It came to my attention then that Asuka was very sensitive about that matter, which for some odd reason seemed to goad my curiosity further.

"Asuka!" Misato reprimanded her sharply.

"I am curious." I replied.

"Why do you want to know?" Asuka continued ignoring Misato. "Would it change the situation any?"

"It might." I said. Both of them were silent after that. Misato stood in my open doorway seeming to think about my response while Asuka seemed to develop the blush again.

"Well, it seems that recently there has been a situation." Misato began.

"Misato!" Asuka cried out in protest, her blush deepening.

"What kind of situation?" I inquired.

"I found out that Shinji and Asuka have been sleeping together." She finished. I do believe that at that point, Asuka's face was as red as her hair and she had both hands covering her face, a reaction that at that time I found most…interesting.

"I do not see the problem." I replied, at the time ignorant to the euphemism Misato used. "Did they not sleep together while training to fight the 7th Angel?"

"I mean, I found out that Shinji and Asuka were carrying on…um…" Misato seemed now rather uncomfortable, and it didn't take long for me to deduce the meaning of the euphemism. I may not be the most socially adept being, but I'm by no means stupid.

"You mean Ikari and Sohryuu have been carrying on a sexual relationship." I don't know why the feeling hadn't struck me the moment I deduced what she meant. Maybe it was that I needed to hear it for it to have an impact, but not a second after I finished her sentence, did the feeling hit me at full force. At the time I could only describe it as feeling greatly disturbed, or very ill. I even felt a bit of, was it, dislike? Yes, a bit of dislike for Asuka. At that moment, I lost track of time as for the first time, I felt myself at a loss for words. Granted I never spoke much in the first place, but as I felt the need to say something just then, I could only open and close my mouth without a sound.

"Well?" Misato asked nervously. I realized then that they were waiting for some sort of a response from me.

"Does…Commander Ikari know about this?" I found myself bringing him up again. I think it was then that I fully realized that having him as a topic was a defense mechanism when I was caught in situations that I was unsure of.

"Yes. He ordered that Asuka and Shinji now live in separate homes. He thought it best if Asuka could share a home with you since you are her fellow pilot and a female." Misato paused a moment as if to think about something. "But he made it clear to me that if it was an inconvenience to you, that I should not force the arrangement."

"It would be no trouble." I found myself saying without hesitation. In retrospect, I said it rather hurriedly.

"Really? You mean that you could find some room for her?" Misato asked hopefully.

"I'm sure that I could…find some accommodations for her." I said in a much calmer way than I felt.

*******

Now that I think about it, I was more disturbed by the feeling I had than by the actual knowledge of the so-called situation. Either way, I spent the rest of the day sitting on my piano bench sorting through exactly what it was that I was feeling. Why did it disturb me to hear that Shinji and Asuka were intimate? The only answer that I could come up with was that in some unknown way and form, I cared about Shinji. In reflection, I believe that I had always cared about him, consciously or not, but if I cared about him, then wouldn't I be satisfied with the knowledge that he would be happy in a relationship with Asuka? However, I had never held a too great opinion of Asuka. In truth, I had always found her brash, vulgar, obnoxious, insufferable and rude. Maybe it was that I wanted better for Shinji? I wondered then, was what I felt jealousy?

But what confused me the most, after much thought, was that how they could carry on a relationship at all. The two seemed like such complete opposites that any romantic relationship between them seemed illogical. Then again, it was possible to have a relationship based purely on the notion of sexual gratification, but that idea bothered me even more than the former idea. Even as I tried to sleep, my thoughts drifted back to the situation and after realizing that I wouldn't be getting much sleep, I got out of bed and I tried to put myself at ease by looking out my window at the moon and the stars.

It was not the first time I had ever gone star gazing. In fact, it had been a regular thing for me ever since I can remember. When I was young, the night sky always intrigued me. Everything was so pure, from the vast expanse, to the clouds, the stars and the moon. One could say it was an escape from my everyday existence, or a way to forget about how the other children treated me. I never desired friendship from any of them, and at the same time I didn't like being made to feel uncomfortable. 

My favorite nights were when the sky was clear, and the moon was not quite full, and the light pollution was lower than normal. I would admire the way the soft moonlight played across the landscape, making even the most derelict areas look holy. I would dream foolish dreams that children will have, and the one that has always stuck out in my memory was that I wished to be one of the stars. Everything was so magnificent, that although I've always been an atheist, sometimes I couldn't help but to ask myself, "How can there be no God?"

As I stood watching the stars, I saw one flicker momentarily before it began to fall toward the earth. As it fell, it began to burn brighter, leaving an ever-longer trail behind it in the sky. Just before it reached the horizon though, it petered out and vanished, leaving only the trail behind.

*******

For a while it had been a regular occurrence that Shinji attend Sunday morning prayers at church with the Commander, or rather his father. Sometimes I accompanied them, but more often than not I kept my distance, since those constitutionals were usually awkward. That morning I attended for a specific reason, however I had attended enough times so that my unannounced presence did not surprise Commander Ikari or Shinji. 

The Commander was among the pews, kneeling in prayer. I was kneeling beside him, mainly out of conformity to the situation than to actually pray. Shinji arrived late and kneeled without a word next to his father. He seemed to be unusually agitated, most likely because that would be his first informal, if one could call it informal, meeting with his father since his relationship with Asuka had been discovered.

"Good morning father. G-good morning Ayanami, it's um…nice to…" Shinji began after a little while of silence.

"You are disrupting my thoughts." The Commander said coldly, and Shinji went silent. 

I looked over my shoulder at Shinji, and felt a trace of…pity? The Commander was never a father to him, even in the years of semi-peace when they began to speak to each other on informal occasions. My dedication to the Commander over the years kept me from caring or even noticing that he treated me better than he treated his own flesh and blood, but that little detail made itself known to me not long after SEELE's attack.

When the Commander was finished, he genuflected ceremoniously and stood up. Shinji and I followed suit and we silently filed out of the pew and down the center aisle. The Commander dipped his fingers in the holy water at the entrance of the church and genuflected one last time before exiting.

"Father I…" Shinji began timidly as we exited the church.

"Your relationship with the Second Child is unacceptable." The Commander cut him off rather coldly, and once again I could not repress a feeling of pity for Shinji who winced at the remark.

"Her name is Asuka." Shinji responded. "I'm trying to tell you that we did what we did because we love each other."

"You're only seventeen. What do you know of love?"

"I know that I care about her more than myself…"

"Which is why your relationship with her is unacceptable. Booth for three please." We had arrived at the diner across the street from the church and were promptly seated by an agitated looking waiter. "What you don't seem to grasp boy, is that you and the Second Child are soldiers. Soldiers should do their duty and refrain from emotional attachment to any comrades in arms. If you were to form a relationship with any other girl, I would not have a problem with it. Two eggs over easy with toast and coffee. Hold the bacon."

"Damn it father," Shinji's voice was low and his expression still slightly timid, but I could read the anger in his eyes and through the tone of his voice. "Her name is Asuka."

"I know what her name is."

"Why can't you leave me be?"

"Because you are a foolish child jeopardizing the safety of the human race." I found Commander Ikari's statement rather ironic, considering my supposed purpose.

"You can't stop us from having a relationship."

"I could take one of you off piloting status." The Commander had hinted.

"I would gladly stop piloting."

"But would she?"

"Why don't you ask her?"

"You would doom our race for this relationship?" After that, Shinji only stared at his father in silence. A trace of a smirk had appeared on the Commander's face and it was only when his meal came that he spoke again. "Very well. Have your fling if you must, but I do not expect to see your synchronization points dropping." He finished the last part of his demand icily. "And as an afterthought, I want you to know that I am only allowing this because there is one angel left and that there are no current threats to NERV other than that. You are dismissed."

Shinji nodded and briefly glanced at me before standing up from the booth and leaving. I sat next to the Commander in deep thought, for their discussion of Shinji's relationship with Asuka had once again brought up feelings I was unfamiliar with. When Shinji had said that he loved Asuka, I could not at the time describe what I felt. It seemed like there were two emotions at once attacking my senses, and I was scared.

"It would seem that Pilot Sohryuu has had an effect upon his personality." I ventured hesitantly.

"Yes. It seems that exposure to the Second Child has made the Third Child a bit more forceful." I noticed a slight tremble in his voice when he spoke. It was almost as if the thought scared him. "Foolish children."

"Commander…" I began a little shakily.

"Yes Rei?"

"How can one person have such a great effect upon another?" I immediately regretted asking that question. The Commander froze, and his demeanor very quickly darkened. Then he turned to me and smiled one of his rare smiles. 

"You don't have to worry about that Rei." I usually found comfort in his smiles, for he usually smiled only for me. However, that time I found it upsetting and for a while I was scared to move. Just then I heard a crow caw and I saw that one had landed just outside of our booth's window. Gazing past the crow I recognized Shinji across the street talking to the Fifth Child, and I had immediately remembered the reason why I had been there that morning.

"Excuse me Commander, but I have to prepare for Pilot Sohryuu's arrival at my residence this afternoon." I spoke calmly, as I always did.

"Rei…" He started quickly and caught my hand. The feeling was uncomfortable, and it took all the willpower that I had to keep from yanking my hand away. "You know you don't have to do this."

"I know." I said and gently pulled away from his touch.

I exited the restaurant as quickly as possible without seeming rude and I made my way over to where the Fifth Child was talking to Shinji.

"Rei!" The Fifth said brightly at my approach.

"Good morning Pilot Nagisa." Let it be known that I had always disliked and distrusted the Fifth. If anyone were to ask me why I didn't like him, I would have told them that I found his presence to be intrusive and uncomfortable. The actual reason I kept to myself, and that was that he was not like everyone else.

I guess that he was much like me in a way, and yet unlike me. While I showed no emotion yet every so often felt some, he exuded what appeared to be emotions and demeanors that I sensed were unreal. He smiled, laughed and joked with Shinji and his friends, but I felt nothing from him. I find it difficult to explain, and the only other way that I can put it is that although he would look happy, I could not feel any happiness emanating from him. The Fifth exuded emptiness.

"A-Ayanami. Um…hi. I thought you would be um…having breakfast with my father." Shinji said in his friendly yet ever-agitated manner.

"I already had breakfast this morning. But in any case I came this morning because I wished to speak to you."

"Oh…um…gee, I'm kind of in a rush. I was supposed to meet Kaworu here and we were going to go back and help Asuka pack. He got here kind of late so we should get back before Asuka gets angry."

"See Rei, Shinji is henpecked already." Nagisa said and laughed softly.

"I would be willing to accompany you and help…" I began.

"N-no! That wouldn't be a good idea, with Asuka being in the mood that she is. Um…I'll see you later on this afternoon, and we'll talk then, okay? And thank you for having Asuka." Before I could say anything more, the Fifth and Shinji were walking quickly down the street, leaving me even more confused state than I had been in the night before.

*******

Misato, Asuka, Shinji and Nagisa had arrived approximately at one that afternoon. I had once again attempted to distract myself from my turmoil by playing some of Bach's pieces on the piano. Unfortunately my thoughts would not let me be even there, as my mind kept wandering back to the incident earlier that day.

I had first experienced Shinji avoiding me just after my revival as the third Rei. At the time, not all of my memories and feelings from the Second had resurfaced in my mind, so it had not bothered me. Bit by bit, memories began to return and one day, I found myself attempting to familiarize myself with Shinji as I had done in the past. My attempt had been futile as Shinji felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety while being around me.

Only as I think about it now, do I realize that was the first time that I had experienced hurt feelings. For a while I had been confused, and when I confronted Dr. Akagi on the matter, she told me that Shinji knew of my origin. I had thought that an explanation for Shinji's reaction would ease the discomfort, but it didn't. I had some understanding of why he reacted the way he did, but the hurt never left.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by the fluttering of wings. I looked out the glass door leading to the balcony but saw nothing. I figured that while I was at the balcony doors, I might as well let some fresh air in. When I opened them I was met with a cool breeze dancing slowly up my arms and face and making its way through my hair, gently pulling and tugging at my clothes. I took notice of the sky and of the overcast. Rain teased at my sense of smell, and I remember feeling a hint of disappointment that perhaps I would not be able to star gaze that night because of a storm.

It was then that there came a loud banging on the door. I was startled back to reality, or as startled as I could have been at the time, and I answered the door.

"Hi Rei! We're here! Sorry we're a bit late, but trying to fit the futon in the elevator by ourselves was an absolute mess." Misato had looked as cheerful as always, and I had the distinct feeling that she had ingested a few beers prior. "And we brought lunch! I know you're a vegetarian, so I brought you a salad."

"Thank you for the gesture, but it is quite unnecessary. I have already eaten…" I trailed off as I saw Shinji and Nagisa hauling a futon out of the elevator. Both of their faces were red with strain and their shirts stained with sweat. "Do…they require assistance?" I asked. Misato looked confused for a second but followed my gaze to the two young men and she laughed.

"They're fine. They got it down the elevator and into the truck, and they seem to be doing fine now."

"I was not aware that you owned a truck."

"Oh, I don't. We rented a moving truck for all of Asuka's things. I drove the truck and Makoto is driving Asuka here in my car."

"Hi…Ayanami…where's the spare room?" Shinji asked as he caught his breath.

"Down the hall and to the right." I said and moved out of the way so that they could enter. Misato made her way into my apartment first and set down the bags of fast food on my dining table. 

"Thanks." Shinji said and gave me a nervous smile before lifting his end of the futon and brushing past me into the living room.

"Here's your salad if you want it." Misato said and held up a plastic container filled with what could have been salad.

"Thank you." I replied and nodded just as Nagisa and Shinji reentered the living room from what would be Asuka's room.

"Well, your job's not done boys. Back downstairs with you and bring up the bed frame. The sooner this gets done, the sooner we can have lunch." Misato said and held up one of the bags as an enticement. Shinji had groaned and Nagisa had laughed as they left tiredly to head back downstairs.

"Is there anything that I can be doing to help?" I asked, feeling a little anxiety.

"Nope. You're doing enough by letting Asuka move in with you. Besides," She continued as she sat down on my couch, "Moving is a man's job. What else is their testosterone for?" She gave me a wink and looked at her watch. "Where are Makoto and Asuka? They have my beer in that car."

"It's no trouble Colonel…"

"Misato."

"Misato, it is no trouble letting Sohryuu board with me, I assure you. It will also give me a chance to get to know her better." My saying the last part came as a surprise, even to me. Misato gave me a funny look and laughed.

"You're an interesting person Rei."

"Thank you." I replied, unsure of how else to respond.

"Be careful you dolt! That's my bed frame! I will not sleep on a broken bed!" A rather loud voice echoed from down the hall.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Misato laughed and shook her head.

"Looks like everyone's here." She said and stood up.

"Makoto and Kaworu are on their way up with the head and foot of the bed." Shinji said tiredly as he and Asuka made their way into the apartment.

"Why don't you get up off your lazy ass Misato and help us?" Asuka fumed.

"We're doing this because of you. By right, I don't have to do anything." Misato said smugly and crossed her arms across her chest. "Oh, and are my beers down in the car?"

"Yeah." Asuka called back from the hall.

"I'll be right back with the cooler! You guys can have a lunch break!" Misato called back at them as she left the apartment. 

I took this pause to check the salad that Misato had bought for me from an unknown fast food restaurant. I remember my only thought being, _'Do they deep fry the salads as well?'_ I then placed it in my refrigerator with the intent of later discarding it, but not wanting to do so at that very moment for fear of being imprudent.

"Jeez I'm hungry. I had no idea it would take that long." Shinji said as he reentered the living room. He had removed his white over shirt, and his blue T-shirt stuck to him with sweat. 

I found then that something held my gaze upon him, and I couldn't help but stare for a little while and I could feel an unfamiliar tingling sensation on my cheeks. After I realized what I was doing, I looked away and began to search my cupboards for a glass. After filling the glass with water, and placing a few cubes of ice in it, I offered it to Shinji who once again smiled nervously at me and thanked me before drinking.

I don't know if he caught me looking at him, but I suspect that Asuka did. I saw her lip curve slightly into a sneer and when I made eye contact with her, I could sense her exuding more anger than usual.

"Oh, is it break time?" Nagisa asked as he and Hyuga entered carrying the head and foot of Asuka's bed respectively.

"Yeah." Shinji replied as he got a burger for himself and Asuka. Nagisa and Makoto grabbed burgers for themselves as well, after having dropped off Asuka's bed items in her room.

"I got drinks." Misato said and entered carrying a cooler. 

Lunch seemingly flew by as everyone, besides myself of course, conversed and joked. Once lunch was over and done with, the three males and Asuka went back to moving everything into the apartment while Misato, being half plastered, sat with me on the couch and jeered them as they worked. 

Everything had been over and done with by the time my clock tolled seven in the evening. Misato had ordered out pizza, making sure that one of them was half vegetarian so I wouldn't have to pick the meat by products off their pizzas. By the time everyone was ready to leave, it was eight.

"Well, I'll take the truck back with Kaworu. Makoto, thank you so much for helping out." Misato said from the doorway from my apartment.

"Oh, it was nothing really." The technician said and blushed slightly. "I'll follow you in the car with Shinji."

"And thank you so much Rei." Misato said and then all of a sudden came forward and gave me a large hug. Needless to say, I was rather stunned at such a sudden gesture and could only stand stiff rather than return the hug.

"I've already stated Colonel…"

"Misato. Please call me Misato." She pleaded with me.

"Misato, I've already stated that it is no trouble at all."

"Yes, thank you so much." Shinji said and smiled at me.

"Yeah. Thanks a bunch Wonder Girl." I believe that Asuka had tried to mutter her comment under her breath, but she was close enough to me so that I picked up on it.

"Well, then we'll be on our way." Misato said and started towards the elevator. "Good night Rei! Good night Asuka!"

"You can head down you guys. I'll meet you at the car Makoto, I've got something I need to do." As Shinji said this, my thoughts once again turned to what I had wished to ask Shinji earlier that day.

However, as the elevator doors closed, I found that what he needed to do did not concern me. Asuka's arms quickly wrapped around Shinji and she pulled him into a soft kiss. They whispered some things to each other and shared one last kiss before parting. It was only then that Shinji seemed to notice that I was still standing there.

"Good night Rei." He said and blushed bashfully.

*******

That night I played a few mournful pieces by Bach on my piano. Since Shinji had left, Asuka had gone to take a shower, and when she finished, had basically shut herself up in her new room. The clock chimed ten and my feelings were in turmoil. 

Shinji had hurt me in a way that I had never felt before. As my memories had resurfaced, I remembered him being kind and comforting. He had been the only person to make the effort to try and get to know what little of me there was. But since he found out what I was, I concluded then that he had been definitely avoiding me. Did where I come from really matter that much? Because I was not born an individual like humans, did that make me a lesser being?

I found then that I could no longer play the piano very well, so I stopped and walked out onto the balcony. As I stepped out, I felt the cool air envelope me like a silk sheet. I then looked out upon Tokyo-3, and saw the lights of the city's center glimmer in an artificial likeness of the stars. 

I thought how odd it was that humans judged each other by such petty standards as origin. I thought then, that I understood the purpose for which I had been created. The human race was imperfect and was destined for destruction. The only way to save it would be for the Commander and myself to take the human race to its most pure form of evolution.

However, as my gaze shifted to the sky, I noted that my newfound understanding did not comfort me any. The sky was overcast, and I noticed the temperature dropping. There would be no storm that night, but my disappointment at the fact that I could not see the stars remained.

I then went back into the apartment to ready myself for bed, and I saw that Asuka had been waiting for me. I could immediately sense her displeasure and felt a confrontation in the immediate future.

"Wonder Girl."

"Sohryuu." I acknowledged. She was silent for a little while, and I saw her eyes scanning me, I guess I could say to size me up.

"Since we're going to live together, I wanted to make a few things clear." She finally began. "I don't like you, and I don't like the situation that I'm in. If I could have it my way, I'd be living by myself. But you couldn't let that happen, you have to nose your way into my personal life." Her voice then dropped menacingly. "Stay out of my way Wonder Girl. Stay out of my business, and we just might be able to coexist until the end of the year."

"Sohryuu." I had stopped her before she could leave the living room.

"What do you want Wonder Girl?"

"How long have you and Ikari been carrying on a relationship?"

"Didn't I say not to pry into my business?" And with that she left the room and I heard the door to her room shut.

*******

I should take the time now to explain certain things, though not to worry, I shall be brief given the compressed amount of time that I have. 

The Seventeenth Angel never appeared, however without the appearance of the Seventeenth Angel, the Commander could not enact his plan, and neither could SEELE. It wasn't long though before SEELE finally had enough of the Commander and sent in an attack force to invade NERV and forcefully remove the Commander from his post. Due to the efforts of Shinji, the newly arrived Fifth Child, and myself, NERV was able to stop and defeat the invading force. The result was an international political crisis.

Members of SEELE were rooted out in UN investigations, however not many of the commanding members of SEELE were found. The Commander, amongst the turmoil, had effectively…dispatched of them. The mass production Eva units were found as well and an effort by the UN were made to dispose of them.

During this time, Asuka had awakened from her coma creating quite a dramatic episode in the lives of Shinji, Misato and their friends. After some time, Asuka was once again commissioned as the pilot of Evangelion Unit-02. I had also entered a period of emotional instability because I had become unsure of when I would fulfill my purpose. The Commander assured me that the time would come and everything would go according to plan, whether the timing was accurate or not. It was during that time that the Commander bought me the piano in which I now possess, and had me learn to play as a way to calm my nerves. Not to say that I didn't like playing the violin, it was just that for some odd reason, I found the sounds of the piano to be a bit more comforting.

Since then, Unit-03 was repaired and effectively debugged of any remaining traces of the Thirteenth Angel. I was assigned as Unit-03's leading pilot while the Fifth remained as a backup pilot. The Fourth was retired because of injuries and was allotted full pension as well as complete access to the NERV medical facilities for himself and his family.

*******

The next day was a school day, and there was no major change in the weather. I had left for school before Asuka had woken. I had made it to class early as usual and I had begun to read my book. I found it a good distraction from my current feelings and found myself intrigued by the obsession of Frankenstein. I became engrossed even further when I read of how he shunned his creation just moments after achieving what he had always wanted. It was then that I heard a soft voice behind me.

"Um…excuse me, Ayanami?" I turned to see Class Representative Hikari Horaki standing rather nervously beside my desk.

"Yes?"

"Um…I heard that Asuka had moved into your apartment, and I was just wondering if that were true." I found this question rather absurd for the time being, and felt a hint of…irritation at the mentioning of Asuka since she and I were not on the best of terms.

"Could you not inquire with her when she arrives?" I asked. I now realize that my unchanging and neutral voice was a major part of why many people found me uncomfortable to be around. A person's emotions can be told through the intonation of their voice, and since mine remained neutral, it made it very difficult to read me.

"I'm sorry." She said quickly and began to move away from my desk. I don't know why, but then I felt a tinge of remorse for having made her uncomfortable with my response.

"Sohryuu has moved into my residence." I said just loud enough for her to hear. She seemed rather surprised and even flustered by my response and after a little while, clumsily bowed and thanked me. As I turned back to my book, I noticed the regular stream of student begin to enter class. I checked the clock at the front of the room and saw it was only five minutes until school began. So instead of continuing, I marked my page and put my book away.

"Rise. Bow. Sit." The routine went by as usual, and instead of my gazing outside of the class window, I turned to look upon the faces of my classmates. Suzuhara was asleep at his desk, his prosthetic leg jutting out into the aisle. Aida was typing something unseen on his laptop. I deduced however that he was typing to Shinji, and most likely about Asuka since Shinji was typing on his laptop as well with a noticeable blush on his face. What amazed me most was how fast news regarding fellow students seemed to get around. Just the day before, Asuka had moved in and already they were gossiping about it. Nagisa sat and stared at the blackboard, Asuka I noticed was asleep as well, while Horaki sat diligently recording notes. The rest of the class was either doodling on pieces of paper or half attempting to take notes.

The day drew out and when lunch rolled around I as quickly and quietly as possible stood up left the classroom with the hopes of avoiding any questions regarding Asuka's recent move into my apartment. However, luck was not with me and I found myself being flagged down by Suzuhara and Aida.

"Ayanami! Ayanami! Has Asuka really moved in with you?" Aida was able to voice the first question. I saw Asuka and Shinji running down the hall, obviously in pursuit of the two boys now in front of me.

"Yes." I replied simply. Before I could excuse myself, I heard another question directed at me.

"Why did Demon move in with you?" Suzuhara managed to ask before finding himself in a chokehold administered by Asuka.

"None of your damn business stooge!" She replied forcefully.

"Guys." Shinji said nervously stepping between the two boys and myself, "Why don't you leave her alone." I was momentarily flattered by his gesture to relieve me of the two annoyances, but only momentarily as I found out the real reason why he didn't wish for them to be bothering me.

"Is it true? Are they doing the naughty together?" Aida asked while taunting the agitated couple. I took a second to analyze the situation. Shinji and Asuka seemed to have the signature red faces of embarrassment. For the first time, I took the time to savor the feeling of wanting to take revenge for being ignored and mistreated.

"Not that I am aware of." I instead heard myself say as I turned and left a stunned Shinji and Asuka as well as a disappointed Suzuhara and Aida.

As quickly as possible, I made my way to the roof of the school. It was someplace that I regularly found peace in being. The rest of the school's population seemed to congregate among the halls and around the school grounds.

I had found that in my current state of being, I had forgotten to pack myself lunch. However, I contented myself to return to the book that I found so interesting. When I first entered high school, I had taken English as a foreign language. All I did with my free time was homework and play the piano, so the idea of indulging in foreign literature spurred me to study English with some ferocity. By the end of my second year, I could fluently read it, and passably speak it. 

As I continued to read my book, I became even more engrossed when the monster began its story of living on its own in the human world. He thought himself to be a human, and he came from human parts…yet his origin and the nature of his being made him repulsive to the rest of the world. In some odd way I found myself relating to the monster, and instead of going back to class when the bell rang, I stayed on the roof to continue reading.

I had just finished reading the monster's tale of its life alone in the world when I heard the bell that signaled the end of school. I made my way downstairs and out the front of the school, thinking all the time about the monster's tale and drawing similarities between it and myself. The great difference though that seemed to stick out in my mind was that the monster's creator abandoned it. I knew my creator would never abandon me. 

"Ayanami! Ayanami!" I heard a voice calling my name, and recognized it instantly. I did not stop or slow down. "Ayanami." Shinji slowed to catch his breath as he now walked alongside me. "Thank you so much."

"For what?" I asked while knowing full well what he was thanking me for.

"Um…for what you told Toji and Kensuke during lunch."

"Oh." I replied and continued to walk.

"And um…" He continued, once again looking flushed and flustered. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked again knowing what he was referring to.

"I promised yesterday that I would talk to you…and…um…I never did. I sorta…forgot." I noticed out of the corner of my eye, him hanging his head in shame. "I'm sorry." He repeated softly.

"It was no problem." I lied. "It was not important."

"It's no excuse…so…um…well…what would you like to ask me?" 

"Forgive me Ikari, but I have something important that I must attend to. Good afternoon." I noticed Shinji looked rather confused, and maybe…guilty?

"You can…um…give me a call, okay?" He called after me, but I didn't answer.

*******

Once I got home, I secluded myself to my room and continued to read my book. I finished the novel sometime around eight, and I left my room to make myself some dinner. As I ate my simple meal, my mind wandered to the events of the day.

The first thing that came to my mind was about my lie to Suzuhara and Aida. I had known about Shinji and Asuka's relationship, and yet I provided a semi-cover for them. I wondered why I had done so. Why should their embarrassment and privacy mean anything to me, especially since I seemed to mean nothing to them?

Then I thought of how I treated Shinji earlier that day. I had been given the opportunity to ask Shinji the questions that had been on my mind, and yet I pushed him away. He did seem remorseful of the fact that he had forgotten about the promise he made the previous day. Though it made no sense that I pushed him away, for although I felt it to be correct at the time, I did not achieve what I had desired and did not feel any better. Could it have been that I was feeling what was known as spite or self-pity? 

Did I care about what Shinji felt for me? Did I really yearn for acceptance? I had lived all my life not needing any sort of acceptance at all…right? Why did I care now? Had I ever cared before? The Second cared about Shinji, but that was because he had showed affection toward her…or rather me.

Those feelings of self-pity and longing were the strongest then, than I had ever felt. However, that had not been the first time I had felt such feelings. In fact, ever since I began to regain memories of the Second, I had felt a longing to share the friendship that Shinji once held with her or rather, me.

Though I drew parallels between the creation of Frankenstein and myself, I did not wish for those parallels to be true. The idea that those parallels could even exist made me uncomfortable. But how could I relate to Shinji? How could I relate to humans in general? I thought that although I looked like a human, I did not feel like a human. I felt like a creation, like a shell of a human. 

So was my longing to become closer to Shinji a result of a want to feel human? I knew that I had a purpose, I knew that the Commander had always told me to ignore those feelings and that I was special. But since I picked up that cursed book, it seemed that I was becoming less and less content with being "special", and I started to dislike my purpose.

All of a sudden, I didn't want to be special. I wanted to be human. What made a person human? What defined 'happiness'? What made a person happy? What made a person sad? What made a person feel? Why didn't I know what happiness was? Why couldn't I define the turmoil that my heart felt? Why was I so empty? Why?

And then I felt something trickle down my cheek.

"A tear?" I whispered softly to myself. I wondered was I feeling…frustration?

"Hey Wonder Girl, are you deaf?" I heard a familiar voice say from behind me. I turned to see Asuka standing in the living room, her school uniform disheveled and her hair unkempt. "I said I was home." I simply nodded, too confused to say anything.

"I'm…sorry, I did not prepare dinner for you as well." I said, grasping at something to say.

"I had dinner already with Shinji and Misato." She replied with a shrug, "Then Shinji walked me here." Once again, all I did was nod. I turned my head to look at the clock as I heard it begin to chime ten.

"I should be getting to bed. I do not…feel…well." I excused myself and began a retreat towards my room.

"Wonder Girl." She called to me as I reached my room. "I'm not to good with stuff like this…but thanks. You know, for what you did today and all." Without turning around, I nodded, and headed into my room.

*******

The week went by and I left my room only to eat, take my showers and use the bathroom. The overcast never went away, and not even my piano playing could calm the storm inside of me. When Friday arrived, I could not avoid the day since I was obligated to attend a Synchronization test, as was Shinji, Asuka and Nagisa.

"Wonder Girl! Misato's here to pick me up for the synch test! She wants to give you a ride too!" That was how my Friday morning began, with Asuka pounding on my bedroom door and shouting at me. "Come on! You've been in there all week! Let's go! Stop making me wait!" I eventually pulled on my usual attire and joined Misato, Shinji and Asuka downstairs from my apartment.

"Hey Rei! How are you?" Misato was as cheerful as ever. I wondered if she had gone back to ingesting beers for breakfast.

"I am well Colonel." I lied.

"Please Rei, call me Misato. We're not on base yet." And with that, we were in the car and off. Asuka has insisted that she and Shinji sit in the back seat while I sat in the front. Most of the trip to NERV consisted of Misato teasing Shinji and Asuka about being lovers, while I was mercifully left alone to my thoughts.

I wondered what I would do. I basically stayed in my room for an entire week in hopes that those foreign feelings and ideas would leave me to my previously peaceful and simple existence. Unfortunately, it seemed that what I was feeling would not go away, and so I faced a dilemma. Should I continue to ignore these feelings, reasoning that I am special and that I'll never be human? Or should I make an attempt to recognize what I'm feeling, to befriend the one who had once cared for me? Could I become human? Could I learn to feel? 

I repeated the question over and over in my head, and I argued point after point with myself. I even did so while half listening to Dr. Ibuki as to what were to happen that day.

"We'll start with the basic synchronization test. Then due to certain recent…developments, there will be a medical examination at the end of the test. Asuka will receive a pregnancy test, while both Shinji and Asuka will receive STD tests. All of you will be subject to a physical exam and a blood test. If everyone understands, then we shall begin with synchronization. You have thirty minutes to suit up and prepare." 

Everything seemed to go by in a blur. I vaguely remembering listening to Asuka complain that the STD test being unnecessary since she wasn't promiscuous and that Shinji had been her only sexual partner. I remember being in the entry plug and going through all the procedures. But as much as I tried to concentrate, my thoughts wouldn't leave me be.

"Rei? Is everything okay Rei?"

"Yes." I realized then exactly how much I had been lying.

"Well, try to concentrate Rei. Your score is unusually low today." I nodded. But I could not concentrate. I almost felt relieved when Dr. Ibuki finally called the test to a stop.

"All right, good job everyone. Here are the results. Kaworu had the highest synch score at eighty-one percent. Shinji is next with a synch score of seventy-six percent. Asuka has a score of fifty-two percent, and Rei has a score of twenty-five percent." I heard a collective mumbling from the intercom, which was quickly cut off.

Under normal circumstances, I would have been disturbed that my score was so low, but my mind felt like it was going to burst. I don't know how long I spent in the shower, feeling the warm water wash over my skin. But as I looked at myself in my locker mirror, I felt a coldness flood my body. I took notice then of how pale my skin was, how red my eyes were, and how strange a color my hair was. I knew no one else with skin paler than mine. I never met anyone with red eyes and I never saw anyone with hair that was a natural blue. I thought that maybe, I wasn't really a human after all.

My physical exam went normally, and I found myself with some spare time on my hands before my blood drawing. I further contemplated my thoughts by the poolside with the realization that I would have to make a decision before I was torn apart from the inside. Did looks mean everything though? Just because a few of my physical traits were just a tad different from others, did that make me something other than human? My thoughts were paused as I heard a fluttering of wings, but as I looked around, I saw nothing. However, the brief interruption allowed me time to look at my watch, and I found that the time for my blood test was drawing near.

I left the poolside and as I walked down the halls, I saw Shinji standing at a vending machine, seemingly contemplating what to get. I was inclined to walk by without saying a word, but I got the feeling that if I did not make my decision now, I may not have another chance.

"Ikari." He quickly did an about face with a slightly panicked look in his eyes.

"A-A-Ayanami." He stuttered.

"Are you…unhappy to see me?" I asked timidly, unsure of how to deal with his reaction to my sudden appearance.

"N-no! It's just that…um…you kind of scared me." He said and began to rub the back of his head with a nervous smile. I felt my resolve slowly beginning to fade, as I stood, unsure of how to say what I wanted to say. "So…um…did you want something?" Then something Asuka had said to me earlier that week resurfaced in my mind.

"I…am not familiar with this." I began and felt a slow tingling on my cheeks. "I…wanted to speak with you…but not formally…I have wanted to ask you a few things…but…" Although my voice never wavered, I think he sensed that I was having difficulty.

"Um…sure, I g-guess but…what did you have in mind?"

"After my blood drawing…if you accompany me home, I could talk to you then. Would that be…acceptable?" My face felt like it was burning and an unfamiliar feeling of my innards being wrenched had begun, yet my voice remained unchanged.

"Oh! Well…um…actually Asuka got done with her last test a little while ago and I was going to get her a…er…drink and then go home and do some laundry…and…uh…" His demeanor changed, and he seemed rather awkward and nervous. However, I understood what he was trying to tell me, and I felt a sudden painful sting inside of me.

"It's not a problem. I understand. Maybe some other time." I said and began to walk off. I am unsure of whether there was a wavering in my voice or not. All I could concentrate on at the time was that Shinji turned me away again.

"A-Ayanami! Wait!" And then I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Um…well…Asuka's kind of doing something tonight and…uh…I guess, if you want…um…I could take you someplace to talk…er…maybe a restaurant or…something." I was unsure of what I felt right then. Relief? Maybe…joy? I don't know, but I found myself accepting. "So…um…what t-time…uh…should I c-come by?" I noticed how red his face had gotten, and he seemed to keep looking around nervously.

"Any time would be acceptable."

"Okay…seven?"

"That will be fine." With that, he smiled. 

I walked down the halls toward the medical examination room, all the while making mental notes to myself about what I might talk to Shinji about that night. Should I tell all of my feelings, or only some? Would the revealing of too many feelings be uncomfortable for him? When I finally reached the medical examination room, I found Dr. Ibuki making some notes on her clipboard. I stepped into the room, made my presence known and went through with having my blood drawn. I was about to leave when Dr. Ibuki stopped me.

"Rei, before you go, I would like to have a word with you." She said with a concerned and yet nervous expression on her face.

"Yes?" After cleaning up some of her appliances and a few moments of deafening silence, she finally spoke.

"Your synch score today was not at its best, I'm sure you know that." She began with a furrowed brow. 

"Yes, I was…distracted."

"That's what I thought, however, Commander Ikari asked me to ask you if your distraction had anything to do with your current living arrangements."

"Why did not the Commander ask me himself?" I asked, slightly curious.

"He had an important prior engagement."

"The current living arrangements present no problem. You may assure the Commander that my recent synch scores were due to personal distractions. The results will not be replicated."

"If it's all the same, I would like to schedule another short synch test for tomorrow afternoon. Will that be a problem?" 

"It presents no problem Dr. Ibuki."

"Good. Well then, I guess you're free to go. Have a nice evening." Her features at once took her signature pleasant air. As I turned to leave the room a sudden idea or rather, a question popped into my head.

"Dr. Ibuki?"

"Yes?"

"Am I human?" I didn't turn to look at her, but I felt the awkward silence that followed.

"What brought this up?" She asked, obviously trying to be good humored.

"It is…part of what has been troubling me recently." Another uncomfortable silence ensued.

"Well…I know you were created in the image of a human." She finally answered, thought at first reluctantly and unsure.

"But am I human?" Again silence ensued.

"I…don't know." She said almost ashamedly.

"I see."

"The one who would know is…"

"Dr. Akagi." I finished for her.

"Yes…but she is…"

"Unwell." I opened the door to leave the room, but then Dr. Ibuki said something further.

"Rei, what is the color of your blood?"

"Red."

"Well, look here." I turned to see her pick a sterilized needle from its plastic tube. She then pressed the tip of the needle to the tip of her left ring finger. "What's the color of my blood?"

"Red." I replied, and she smiled warmly at me.

"I hope that helped." As the realization slowly dawned on me, I could only look upon her smiling face.

"Thank you Dr. Ibuki." I said and exited the room.

"I'll see you tomorrow Rei." She called after me just before the door closed. I hadn't gone far when another voice spoke to me.

"Rei, how are you?" It was soft, mellow, and silky.

"I am fine Nagisa." I acknowledged and turned to find him standing just outside of the examination room door, casually leaning against the wall, hands in pockets, and the ever-unbalanced smile upon his face.

"I heard from a certain…little bird that you have a date with Shinji tonight?" He continued and winked knowingly at me. It piqued my curiosity at how he knew, but I quickly came to the conclusion that Shinji probably told him.

"I am unsure if that would be a correct term. However, if you see it that way then yes, that is correct."

"You are aware that Shinji is currently involved with Asuka?"

"Yes, I am aware of that."

"Playing the home wrecker are we?" He said with a soft chuckle.

"I am unfamiliar with that term." He shook his head slowly and straightened his posture out.

"I'm just joking with you Rei. Have a good time tonight." He added the last bit with another soft chuckle. I watched him go, and felt a growing discomfort at his words.

I turned and began to walk towards the elevators, but something caught my eye along the way. I kneeled and picked up from the center of the hall, a black feather.

*******

As I prepared that late afternoon, I felt some…apprehension? Questions upon questions were building up inside of my head. Since my clothes consisted mainly of sleeping pajamas and a school uniforms, my choice of what to wear was somewhat limited. Not that it was something that I found bothersome, but rather it was one of the things that made existing more comfortable for me.

Once I was ready, I found that I still had some time to spare. So I stepped out onto the balcony to evaluate the weather for the evening, and the thing that I noticed most was the smell of rain. It was unusually strong and the clouds were dark and low. I concluded that there would definitely be a storm that night, and so I went back to my room and brought out an umbrella. 

After placing the umbrella near the door so I would not forget it, I once again brought out my book and ran my hands over the cover. It was plain in nature and the title was printed in archaic letters for added effect. I found it rather unnecessary and ridiculous since the letters were medieval European while the story took place in the nineteenth century.

"Hey Wonder Girl." I heard Asuka say as she walked into the living room. "I'm going to Hikari's place tonight. Don't wait up for me." And before I could respond, she closed the front door behind her.

Left to my own devices, I placed my book on the couch and I once again began to play the piano. For a change of pace, I played a few pieces by Chopin. Soon it was dark, and I paused for a moment to turn on the lamp and to check the time. I watched as the final seconds to seven ticked down, and as the clock sounded seven, I looked towards the door. My eyes were fixed on the door for several minutes as I kept waiting to hear a knock. When it didn't come, I once again turned my gaze to the clock. 

With every second that went by, I felt my heart rate beginning to increase. At first I didn't know what it was that seemed to increase my heart rate. The feeling was only faintly familiar to me. I believe that I was…agitated? Panicking? The minute hand slowly rotated in the clockwise direction, making its way past the four and the five. I had begun to think that Shinji wasn't coming after all, but then I heard an unsure knocking. 

I felt relief flood through me as I stood up and went to the door, first turning off the lamp. I opened it to find a nervous Shinji standing in a pair of jeans, a T-shirt and a jacket. It took me by surprise and I believe I must have been staring as he blushed and shifted uncomfortably.

"Good evening Ikari." I said and nodded slightly.

"Sorry, I'm late." He said and smiled nervously at me. "Um…are you ready?" 

"I am."

*******

I didn't know where we were going, and Shinji didn't tell me. We left the apartment and Shinji told me that he was going to take me to a coffee shop in one of the more frequented districts of the city. Our walk contained no conversation, only a thick, awkward silence. Although I had not been able to stop the flow of questions entering my mind earlier that day, I couldn't think of any of them. I remember thinking how curious it was that for the first time ever, I felt the need to say something just to disrupt the silence. As I said before, I am not the most socially adept being, so as hard as I tried, I couldn't think of anything to say to him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shinji glancing nervously at me, and several times it looked as though he were going to say something before he would stop himself and look away.

It took us a little while to reach the district, but when we got there, I noticed that it was just a strip of restaurants, diners, bars, theatres and gift shops. Couples and groups of young men and women around their late teens and early twenties crowded the sidewalks, talking and joking rather loudly. Bright reds, oranges, greens, blues, and yellows flashed around me. Expensive looking cars in contrasting bright and dark colors clogged the main street honking impatiently at each other, while the combined smell of gourmet foods, popcorn, sweets, coffee, perfume and car exhaust permeated the air. As we continued to walk down the strip, a large group of inebriated youngsters passed us, one of them rather forcefully bumping into me without so much as an apology.

"I think I remember why I prefer to remain at home." I found myself saying without thinking, as I watched the large group make their way farther down the strip.

"It's fine. Happens all the time. Um…it's just a bit farther down. I think you'll like it." Shinji said as he placed a hand on my shoulder, a somewhat unsure yet amused look on his face. I took one last look at the group before turning back to follow him.

We reached the coffee shop…I am afraid I don't remember the name, and as I stepped through the glass double doors, I was welcomed with the rather agreeable smell of fresh brewed coffees and teas. I recall, thinking to myself that Shinji had been right, that I indeed found that place to be rather pleasant.

An assortment of people, entirely different from those on the street, congregated in the coffee shop. Many of them were sitting on couches and cushioned chairs, having civilized conversations about various things. Some preferred to sit by themselves, reading newspapers, magazines and books while some worked on laptops. Indeed, I found that place to be very agreeable.

"Come. There's an open table." Shinji said and led me to a small table next to the wall left of the door. I took a seat comfortably on an elevated chair, facing away from the glass door and windows looking out onto the street. "Um…what would you like?" He asked as he hung his jacket over the back of his chair.

"I am unfamiliar with the menu." I replied.

"Oh! S-sorry, I usually come here with Asuka." Shinji laughed and blushed. "Well, there's um…the menu on the board over there." He continued and pointed to the large wall behind the counter, above where all of their coffee and tea machines were located.

I stood up and walked closer to the counter to see, and I found drinks that I had never even heard of before and can't begin to recall. However, underneath their menu board, I saw lists of names of coffees and teas, many I haven't heard of before. I found my interest immediately focus on the teas, and more specifically, the western teas. It helped that I could read English, and I picked out a tea called Earl Grey.

"And um…if you're hungry there are muffins, bagels, pastries or whatever." Since I had skipped dinner, I found myself curiously browsing through the types of muffins. I picked out a blueberry muffin, and went back to the small table while Shinji placed our order. "They'll tell us when it's ready." He said as he took his seat.

Once again silence descended. Shinji began to fidget with the stirring straws that were placed in a cup-sized container on the table. I found myself staring at him, though I don't think that he saw me since his attention was mainly focused on his straw and the table. Every so often he would glance up and me and smile nervously before returning his attention to the straw. As I sat, I asked myself, '_Why won't Shinji talk to me? Why is he so uncomfortable around me?'_ I had been given my chance and if I didn't act now, I probably wouldn't have another chance ever. Then it occurred to me that the questions that I was asking myself were some of the very questions that had been popping up in my head all afternoon, though it was also clear to me that suddenly asking such questions would most likely make him even more uncomfortable.

"You said you come here often with Sohryuu." It looked as though Shinji would give himself whiplash as he heard me speak.

"Huh? Oh, um…yeah. She brought me here first. Uh…she said that back in Europe and America, these sorts of places could be found all over." He answered me pleasantly enough. Just then our order was called and he excused himself to pick it up. He returned with my Earl Grey and a hot, coffee based drink for himself, though I doubt that coffee made up more than half of it.

I was unused to tea being so dark, but I ventured a sip. The taste was definitely different. I found it to be much stronger than what I was used to, though not unbearably so. Actually, I found that the rather sweet taste of the blueberry muffin combined with the taste of the tea resulted in a rather enjoyable medium.

"So…um…you said that uh…out there reminded you of why you stay at home?" Shinji ventured after tasting some of his drink.

"Yes. I find large crowds of loud people to be rather crude. The bright lights and the sounds of cars I found to be quite obnoxious." I don't know why but after my response, Shinji smiled.

"Yeah, it can be. But Asuka seems to like it." He shrugged and leaned back.

"How long have you and Sohryuu been in a relationship?" That question seemed to catch him off guard.

"Wha-what?" He responded and blushed.

"Is my question…not acceptable for the time?" I asked, wondering if I had asked something socially unacceptable.

"N-no! I mean, I just wasn't prepared for that. Um…I don't know what you would consider long, but uh…maybe two or three months." He replied.

"I was under the impression that relationships took longer to build to the level of intimacy that you and Sohryuu are at."

"Oh! Well, um…yeah, usually. But um…" Shinji's blush seemed to darken even further. "To tell you the truth, I don't know how Asuka and I got to where we are now." He slumped forward in his chair a little bit. "One moment we're yelling at each other, and practically the next thing I know, I wake up next to the girl of my dreams." His blush faded a little bit and he smiled.

"That is…unusual." I replied, and was rather confused at how he had put it. 

I had expected a condensed version of what I had read in so many books. The way I understood it up until that point was that, when a man or a woman was attracted to someone of the opposite sex, they would attempt to woo the other in order to make their affections known. Then, hopefully, the other would reciprocate their feeling and thus a relationship would emerge.

"Yeah…I know." Shinji laughed in an embarrassed way.

"But you love her?" Once again Shinji looked surprised and his blush darkened.

"Wha-what? Oh, of course! Yes, yes I do."

"Does she love you?" As I asked that question, his eyes fell to the table top and he once again began to fidget with the stirring straw.

"I-I-I think so. I hope so." He replied softly.

"You don't know?" I asked curiously.

"No, I don't." I was quiet, digesting what he had said to me. "But she tells me that she does." He replied before he finally looked up. He half attempted to smile before looking back at the table. 

Once again, I didn't know what to say. It seemed that my few questions had troubled him, and for some reason I felt…guilt? Once again silence descended and I finished my tea and my muffin while Shinji finished his coffee. The questions still lingered and as Shinji took our trash to the bins, I felt a slight panic that I was running out of time to ask the said questions.

"May I have another tea?" I asked as he came back.

"Um…sure. What do you want?"

"Something lighter in taste. Please pick for me." Shinji looked nervous before nodding and smiling. As he went to order my drink, I pondered which question to ask first. When he returned, I still felt unsure, but I also felt that it had to be done before I lost my resolve.

"Ikari, does my presence make you…uncomfortable?" I asked hesitantly. His demeanor changed immediately, not as though he were flustered, but rather almost defensively.

"Wha-what? Wha-what m-makes you say that?"

"I am aware that my presence makes many people uncomfortable. Your actions mimic those who do find my presence to be uncomfortable. The only people other than the Commander who do not mimic those actions, are Colonel Katsuragi, Sohryuu and Nagisa." As I finished I fell silent for a little bit, and I noticed that Shinji had his head bowed. "I only ask because I remember a time when you would fall under that list of few. Before Dr. Akagi's…breakdown, I was made aware that you knew of my origins. Are my origins what makes you uncomfortable?" His head remained bowed, and his hands moved up to his head, his fingers interlocking through his hair. I received no answer for a long time and I began to feel…worry? "Do my questions make you uncomfortable?" Again, nothing.

"Ikari." I began and took one of his hands by the wrist. He looked up at me, and his eyes were filled with tears and…with something else…it was…remorse? Regret? Guilt. "You have done nothing wrong. I only wish to understand."

Then our order was called. I excused myself to spare Shinji the situation of trying to hide his shame from others, and I found that Shinji had ordered himself another coffee and had ordered pastries for both of us. I returned to find him wiping his eyes and he looked guiltily at me.

"You don't have to answer." I said before he could say anything. "I'm sorry for troubling you."

"No." He said forcefully. "Don't be. I-I'm glad you asked me."

"You have done nothing wrong." I said again.

"I have." He said and looked me in the eyes for the first time that night.

"Ikari, don't speak." I said just as forcefully, though without changing the simple tone of my voice. I held eye contact with him for a bit longer, seeing in his eyes…pain? I knew he wanted to say something, but while I held eye contact with him, he wouldn't speak.

I finally broke eye contact only to taste my pastry and my tea. I was familiar with the type of pastry. It was a glazed flat bread, with a well in the center that contained a type of strawberry paste. Usually I found those too sweet, but I decided to try it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised that the taste was not as strong as I thought it would be. It was rather subtle, and so was the tea.

"Thank you. This is enjoyable." I said and once again made eye contact with him. He seemed rather confused, or maybe it is better put to say that he looked very confused. But I broke eye contact and only continued to enjoy my pastry and tea. He hesitantly began on his, and I noticed that he didn't let his eyes stray from me for very long.

"What kind of tea is this?" I asked.

"Wha-what? Oh…um…chamomile." He said nervously. I nodded and finished.

I found the silence that ensued as we walked home to be rather…comfortable. I am unsure of how Shinji felt, but every time I glanced at him, it seemed as though he were in deep thought. As my apartment came into sight, I felt the need to end the night on a more positive note. I had gotten some of the understanding that I desired yet I had not wanted Shinji to feel so badly about it.

"Thank you Ikari, I think I understand now." 

"Huh? Oh…um…you're welcome…and um…I…I'm sorry that I couldn't answer all of your questions." He said softly as he rubbed the back of his head. There was silence until we reached the elevators. "A-Ayanami…I've always thought of you as..." Then he trailed off, and his gaze fell to the floor of the elevator.

"Ikari, I did not wish to trouble you." I said as we stepped off on my floor.

"It's no trouble. And…please…call me Shinji?" A sudden memory from the second flashed in my mind.

"Shinji." I repeated. "Thank you for the enjoyable evening…and if I should call you Shinji, would it not be appropriate if you called me Rei?" Shinji smiled and nodded slightly.

"You're welcome Rei." Then we stopped at the door to my apartment. "Um…m-maybe, um…we could do this again. Or maybe…something else, soon?"

"I would…enjoy that." I said, and then I smiled. Another memory flashed in my mind and I heard a voice say _'Smile for me.'_ Shinji seemed surprised yet again at my reaction, and he too, smiled. Then my front door opened behind me.

"There you two are." I heard Asuka say in a very low and angry voice.

*******


	2. Part 2

Choose Life, Part 2

I stood in my dark living room, looking out the closed balcony door at the storm that raged outside. The clock struck two and I marveled at the thunder's roar and the lightning's flash. The rain was coming down so hard that it was hard for me to see the building across from my apartment building.

I remember having awoken from a nightmare to the sound of particularly loud thunder roar. I awoke and found my flannel pajamas damp with sweat. My hair was matted to my forehead and my heart had been racing. I couldn't remember much from the nightmare, only a sickeningly empty feeling. I have to say that I hated it. So I stood and watched the storm, trying to forget the awful feeling. My mind wandered back to the events of that evening. 

Asuka had planned to spend the night at Horaki's, but it seemed that Horaki had some trouble with her sisters and Asuka had decided to return home. She had gotten home to find me absent. Apparently she had then decided to call Shinji to see if he would be up to seeing a late night movie, but Misato informed her that Shinji had left for my apartment. It had clicked in her mind instantaneously as to what had happened, and only waited for Shinji and I to return.

When we did return, a one sided argument ensued where Shinji tried to defend himself against Asuka's onslaught. She accused him of hiding things from her, more specifically that he had planned to take me out that night and she had not been informed. Of course he said that he had forgotten to tell her, though I doubt that he did, and he tried to calm her. Unfortunately, Asuka is one of those who can not be calmed down quickly and ended up storming to her room and locking herself in. 

I apologized to Shinji for creating trouble in his relationship with Asuka, but he didn't seem too bothered by it. He told me that this wasn't the first time that she had an episode like this one and that it would all be okay later. After we bade each other good night, I showered and went to bed.

As another lightning flashed in the sky, I thought how odd Shinji's and Asuka's relationship was. For the longest time, by Asuka's behavior, I thought that she strongly disliked, if not hated, Shinji. Not only that, but I had also felt that they were such complete opposites that they could not possibly get along. Yet recently I had been informed of their relationship and had even witnessed them kiss. Could two complete opposites share a healthy relationship? Then I thought that maybe it wasn't so odd that they share a relationship.

I remembered then how Misato and Kaji had acted towards each other. For the longest time I had thought that Misato had a strong dislike for him, but yet I found out that after his death, she had had spent weeks grieving over him. 

I thought how strange humans were, though not in a negative sense. I believe at the time, I had used the term strange as a way of expressing how unique they were. Two couples who seemingly could not get along shared a love that many did not possess. 

Yet…I did not know what love was. Of course I knew the textual and literary definition, but I didn't know what it was. I had never felt love for another, nor had I ever felt loved by another. And then there were the many different kinds of love that one could feel, which were not explained in dictionaries. There was the love that one might feel for a mate or lover, there was the love that a mother might feel for her children, and there was the love that one might feel for a brother, sister or good friend.

I thought then, how ludicrous it was that people tried to define emotions as strong as that with words. How could petty words possibly describe such feelings? As I thought further, maybe it wasn't so ludicrous to want to try and profess one's feelings with words. After all, in a world where mostly everything is communicated by speech and writing, it was just a person trying to make known to the other how they felt. I think now, that the futile attempt to put one's feelings in words was actually more desirable since it was shown that they were willing to make the effort to try.

Then I thought where was I in that complicated equation? I, who had never experienced love, neither had I ever experienced hate. Had I experienced happiness? Had I experienced sadness? I am sure that I had experienced both happiness and sadness, though I probably had not known at the time as to what terms were used to define them.

About that time, the clock had struck three and I thought it best to get back to bed since I did have another synchronization test to do that day. I left the storm and slowly made my way into the hallway and to my room. As I opened the door though, I heard a familiar low and menacing voice behind me.

"Wonder Girl."

"Sohryuu." I acknowledged.

"You think you're real smooth, don't you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yeah, right. So what the fuck did you two do tonight?" She asked aggressively.

"We had coffee." I replied calmly.

"Why? And whose idea was it anyway?"

"It was my desire to speak to him, and it was his suggestion that we converse over some coffee and tea."

"What did you two talk about?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business."

"Oh really?" She asked only a bit amused, "You go out with MY boyfriend to 'speak'. Okay, I can deal with that. However, when you do not tell me that you are going out with MY boyfriend, I become concerned." She eyed me critically for a few seconds. "I'm not supposed to be concerned?"

"You seem justified." I replied reluctantly.

"Goddamn right!"

"Recently, I have been feeling some…emotions that are foreign to me. I had hoped that Shinji could've helped me understand the said emotions."

"Which emotions might those be?" She asked skeptically and walked up so that her face was mere inches from mine, her breathing audible, and a slight hint of her shampoo and toothpaste detectable.

"I don't know. That is why I wished for his assistance." She stared at me for a little while before smiling, then laughing mockingly.

"Yeah right." She said before her demeanor immediately reverted. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, but Shinji is mine. Do you understand me? Mine." I had found her choice of words odd. The way that she said that Shinji was hers, made him sound like a piece of property which he was not.

I turned to express to her my feelings that Shinji was a thinking being and was not anybody's property to own. I paused though, as I saw her eyes. Though she sounded angry, her eyes conveyed a different emotion…they looked…afraid? Why should she feel fear? All I could do was nod.

"Good." She said and went back to her room.

*******

I remember having a rather uncomfortable feeling as I walked to NERV base that day. The rain had gone, but the overcast had not. Not only that, but the air smelled odd. It wasn't the rain. I hadn't liked the new smell at all. As I reached an entrance to the NERV facility, I noticed a crow on the top of the entryway.

The sense that something was wrong was reinforced when I met the more than usual armed guards at the security entrance. In addition to having to swipe my card, they checked to make sure that my security card was in order. People buzzed in the hallways of NERV base, many talking loudly over static ridden radios. As I reached the locker rooms I found Misato standing in the center of the hallway, a very dire expression upon her face.

"Colonel Katsuragi. What has happened?" I inquired curiously.

"Rei…there will be no synchronization test today. Sorry I didn't call you. I was caught up…" She trailed off as Hyuga rushed up to her from the opposite end of the hallway.

"The security cameras show static. We have no idea who it was or what happened. All of her data files have also been erased, so we think that whatever the motive was, involved intel."

"Fuck." Misato said and began to rub her sinuses. "Have Shigeru take over the investigation of the lab. Go tell Commander Ikari that I will be in his office shortly, and wait there for me. I'll need you to give the Commander a detailed report of everything found so far if he asks for it." Hyuga saluted smartly and ran off.

"Colonel…" I began again.

"I'm sorry Rei, not right now." She said without looking at me, and walked off. I was not ignorant as to the urgency of the situation, but at the same time my curiosity was piqued.

I made my way to the supposed lab and I found Aoba giving orders to some security and forensic officers. I waited until he was done before approaching him

"Lieutenant Aoba, what has happened?"

"Doctor Ibuki was murdered last night." He replied darkly. I don't think he even realized who I was. In either case, he had immediately gone back to investigation.

I remember feeling a pang of something…an emotion I could not place. At the same time, I felt pity for the kind Dr. Ibuki. Though she did not have the talent or the knowledge of her predecessor, she was still gifted and intelligent, and definitely had a much more…agreeable personality. She had also been young, not even thirty.

"A tragedy." I heard a calm, cool and silky voice say from beside me.

"Indeed it is, Nagisa." I replied, immediately feeling uncomfortable. "But why are you here?"

"I had a synch test scheduled for today as well." He said, his unnerving smile never left his face.

"I see."

"So how did your date go last night?" He asked before I could excuse myself.

"It was satisfactory."

"That's good. Shinji is a good person. That Asuka though…" He chuckled softly. I wanted to leave, yet a certain curiosity kept me there.

"Nagisa…" I began, "What makes a person human?" I had found myself voicing that question as I thought about my last conversation with Dr. Ibuki. I had half expected his reaction to be similar to that of hers.

"The ability to feel." He said simply. I didn't know how to respond. I believe I was too stunned by the bluntness of his answer to say anything. "Did I answer your question?"

*******

I had later been summoned to Commander Ikari's office. I overheard Misato telling the Commander that whoever the murderer was had a high level of security access, or had detailed knowledge of NERV's security systems. Further, she had assigned Hyuga and Aoba to the investigation of the murder. Once she and Hyuga had left the Commander's office, the Commander informed me that Dr. Akagi would be temporarily reinstated to conduct a synch test that coming Friday. 

When I returned home, I found Asuka's demeanor toward me to be rather hostile. Of course I found it easy to ignore her, and instead busied myself playing the piano and re-reading some of my older books. I also found it relatively easy to keep my mind off my recent questions of feelings. And so it passed that the rest of my weekend went rather undisturbed.

When the next week of school started, I found myself spending my lunches with Shinji. It seemed that Shinji and Asuka were not quite ready to share with the rest of the class that they were having a relationship. I respected that, and thus I continued to answer all questions about them with ignorance. Besides, it wasn't anyone else's business anyway.

I noticed though that Asuka seemed to disapprove of Shinji spending time with me in school, and frequently dropped by to harass Shinji in one way or another. As the days went by, she slowly became more and more hostile towards me at home and colder and colder with Shinji. At first, I had not understood her behavior. I knew that she didn't like the fact that I was becoming friendlier with Shinji, but in what way was that wronging her? Furthermore, I could somewhat understand how she might be angry with me, but I thought that since she loved Shinji, that she would treat him better.

It was Thursday of that week when I finally had another chance to speak to Shinji without too much interruption. School had just let out, and the students tittered and chattered in the hallways as I maneuvered through the crowds to the entrance of the school. Almost everyone had donned warmer clothing of sorts, since the unusual weather that had started a little over a week before seemed to be getting stranger.

I stopped outside of the school for a brief moment as I checked my purse to make sure that the money I had placed there that morning was still there. After that reassurance was taken care of, I began to walk to local mall. The chill wind nipped at my cheeks, and I was grateful for the single sweater that I owned. I noted how gray everything was, and I really couldn't remember seeing Tokyo-3 with so little color.

Granted, about that time every normal day, I would be at home either playing the piano or reading a book. However, I had no new book to read, and for some odd reason, the piano pieces in my repertoire didn't seem to interest me. So that morning I had packed some of my extra money to buy a few new sheets of music, as well as maybe a book.

One mercy granted to me then happened to be the cold weather, for it seemed that no one wanted to be out. After walking a bit of a ways, I got to the mall and I immediately headed over to the music store that I frequented.

The warmth inside was welcoming, and so was the emptiness. I noticed three other customers beside myself and none of them in the music sheets section. The reason I frequented that particular store was that their selections of classical pieces were quite broad, the only complaint that I had was that they were in no order whatsoever.

I searched fruitlessly for what seemed like hours, but I refused to leave the shop until I found something that was suitable. I preferred Bach, but unfortunately I had been having some hard time finding any of his works that I did not already know. I immediately passed over Mozart without looking…I had only looked upon a Mozart piece once, and I had found it rather stressful as there were…too many…too many notes.

"R-Rei?" To my surprise, Shinji was also in that section looking along the shelves. I believe I had not noticed him when I entered the shop since he had been crouched down, looking on the lower shelves.

"Shinji?"

"Um…what are you doing here?" He asked and stood up holding a piece in his hands.

"I am looking for a new piano piece." I replied, feeling…I didn't know what I was feeling, but it was rather…agreeable.

"Oh, that's great." He said awkwardly and scratched the back of his head, a nervous tic that I had begun to notice.

"Why are you here?" I inquired, sparing him the effort of trying to find something to say.

"Oh…um…" He began with a blush, "Well, I…uh…well, since you play the piano, I was looking for one of my favorite pieces, and thought that maybe…you could learn to play it?"

"You want me to learn to play one of your favorite pieces?" I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, but it seemed that my question did cause him an embarrassment of sorts.

"N-no! I mean, well…only if you want to, I just thought…"

"May I see it?" I asked, once again trying to spare him any uneasy feelings. "Moonlight Sonata." I read aloud, "By Ludwig van Beethoven." After sifting through the pages, I found it to be rather agreeable. The unknown feeling became stronger as it registered that Shinji was going to buy it as a gift for me. "It looks…nice." That was had been the only adjective I could think of to describe it, but however it sounded, Shinji's face brightened considerably.

"Really? Well I mean, I liked it. Here, I'll buy it for you." As we left the store, he handed the piece to me.

"Thank you. I will…try my best to learn it."

"And um…maybe I can listen to you play it sometime?"

"That would be acceptable." I was going crazy trying to place the feeling that I had. Was it…happiness?

"Um…well, I'm supposed to meet Asuka and Hikari at a restaurant for dinner, um…would you like to join us?"

"Would that not be…disagreeable with Sohryuu?" I asked feeling…worry?

"It's all right. " He said with some worry as well. "But I have to do something first."

We made our way to the center of the mall and took an elevator up to the top floor restaurant. It was a formal dining establishment, and tantalizing aromas of expertly made cuisine greeted us as we stepped off the elevator.

"How may I help you?" The maitre d' asked politely.

"I'd like to…um…to make a reservation for two, for tomorrow night." Shinji said nervously. I got the impression that that was the first time visiting such an establishment.

"Hmm…Well sir, I am afraid that the earliest time will be at nine."

"That's great! I mean, um…that'll be good." The maitre d' made the reservation and we got back onto the elevator.

"You are planning on taking out Sohryuu?" I asked curiously.

"Oh! Yeah, yeah…um…could you not tell her about this?" Shinji said rather awkwardly, though I think it was more because he was trying to contain…excitement?

"Why do you not wish for her to know of this?"

"I want it to be a surprise. She's wanted to go here for a while. I'm going to tell her tomorrow after our tests." I noticed a considerable glow radiating from Shinji as we made our way to the less formal restaurant in which we would be having that night's dinner.

The restaurant turned out to be no more than a simple ramen house located towards the exterior of the mall. Shinji asked for a table for four, and we were guided to a booth at the front of the restaurant. We hadn't been waiting for long when Asuka made her presence known.

"What the hell is she doing here?" I always found it interesting how Asuka never held back any biting or hurtful comments. In retrospect, although I disliked how she sometimes dealt with others in that fashion, I always felt her trustworthy. After all, how could anyone be on uneven ground with someone as blunt as she?

"Ayanami! What a pleasant surprise." Horaki said, looking genuinely pleased with seeing me, but at the same time concerned with how Asuka was behaving.

"I ran into Rei in the music store, and I thought that since she eats…" Shinji began to explain.

"Whatever." Asuka cut him off as she sat down next to him with a 'humph'. I had felt…anger? For although I knew, and I believe that Shinji knew that Asuka would've found the situation disagreeable, I didn't think that her rudeness was warranted.

As our meal passed with minimal hostility, due mainly to the fact that Horaki was there. I noticed the crowd in the restaurant slowly getting bigger as the evening progressed, and as I tuned out the conversation that the other three were having, I found my thoughts returning to the previous Saturday.

The longer I thought about Dr. Ibuki's murder, the more pity I felt for her. She too had been kind to me, and despite how Nagisa answered my question, I found comfort in her words. Of course my blood was red just like everyone else's. I also had the same basic skeletal structure, the same organs and the same basic exterior features. So why shouldn't I be human? _'The ability to feel.'_ Nagisa's voice echoed in my mind. I can't describe the conflict that I felt, but all of a sudden, I needed time to myself.

"Shinji…I am sorry…but I feel…unwell." I said softly.

"We're not done yet, but you can go." Asuka suggested.

"Actually, we should be getting back. I heard that there's supposed to be another storm tonight." Horaki said with some concern. "And it's been strangely cold recently. I hope you're not coming down with anything." She directed the last comment to me.

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'll take care of the tab." Shinji said and went up to the cashier. Asuka growled something incomprehensible as she gathered her things, while I held on tightly to the music sheet that Shinji had given me.

"Really strange weather we've been having." Horaki had said worriedly as we walked down the street back home. Up until that point, we had been walking in relative silence, and I believe that she spoke just to break it.

"Well, it is winter." Asuka replied as she pulled Shinji close to her.

"Yeah, but when's the last time we've seen weather like this…ever?" Horaki continued.

"I know…it's funny." Shinji said and placed an arm around Asuka's shoulders. "Well, maybe it's a good thing that our weather is finally returning to normal." 

"I guess so." I tuned out the rest of the conversation for the most part. The wind had started to pick up and it was no longer a friendly and refreshing chill. A horrible feeling began to creep over me, and Nagisa's words kept repeating themselves in my head. I couldn't help but shiver from the cold, then I thought I heard the wind whisper, _'Do you want to be a star?'_

"Kaworu! What are you doing here?" I heard Shinji say in surprise.

"I could ask the same thing of all of you." His disturbingly calm and smooth voice acknowledged. "I just happened to be in the neighborhood." I didn't like his answer.

"We came from the mall, and we're all heading home." Shinji answered.

"Well, I believe that Ms. Horaki's residence is near mine, so would it be okay if I traveled with you until we parted ways?"

"Sure." Shinji said and started to walk again while chatting idly with both Asuka and Nagisa.

"Nagisa! Aren't you cold? You're only wearing your uniform!" Horaki said in a tone that one might use when a dead body is discovered.

"I'm fine. I am used to the cold." He replied and smiled…at me? As we continued, I ignored all conversations and kept my eyes on Nagisa. The horrible feeling never left me, and it seemed to grow stronger each second I was around him. Then I noticed him watching me as well.

"Well, this is where we part ways." Horaki said and stopped. "I'll see you all later."

"I'll escort Ms. Horaki home before I return home. So you don't need to worry Shinji." Nagisa said and glanced at me. "I'll see you tomorrow for synch tests." And then we parted ways. 

The horrible feeling left me when Nagisa did, but the fact that I had such a feeling made me very uncomfortable. Not only were his words echoing in my mind…but the voice I thought I had heard in the wind bothered me as well. I shivered slightly and I saw Shinji and Asuka holding each other as they walked, and I heard them softly whispering to each other. 

Once we made it to our apartment, they shared one last kiss before parting. As I closed the door, Nagisa's words again echoed in my seemingly hollow shell, and I felt that it was then that I had to ask Shinji the same question. I reopened the door and saw him waiting for the elevator. I began to quickly walk towards him and as the elevator doors opened, he saw me approaching.

"Rei?"

"Shinji…I…need to ask you something." His expression went from confused, to serious pretty quickly.

"Of course."

"What…makes a person human?" His expression reverted to confusion just as quickly.

"Wha-what kind of question is that?" He asked, seemingly a little shocked.

"It's…something that has been bothering me." He looked confused for a little while longer before simply shrugging.

"I'm sorry, I don't know Rei." He replied guiltily. I nodded, but I felt that I needed to get an answer somehow before I lost my grip.

"Am…I…human?" There is no way for me to describe how difficult it was for me to ask him that question.

"Wha-what?!" He asked incredulously. "Is th-that what this is about?" I nodded feeling what was becoming an all too familiar burning sensation on my face. After Shinji regained his composure, he seemed to think for a little bit before his expression softened and he smiled at me. I believe that was the first time he smiled at me so genuinely since the Second. "You're my friend." He said. And that, for some odd reason, was good enough.

*******

I had nightmares again that night. Again I woke up to the monstrous roar of thunder. Again I woke up, my pajamas damp with sweat. Again, I could not remember anything but blood and an awful feeling of emptiness. And so I made my way into the living room to calm myself and to think. I watched the storm rage, and thought how right Horaki was about the strange weather.

The first thing that came to mind was the image of Shinji and Asuka holding each other close as they walked through the cold wind. During that time, all that seemed to matter to them were each other. And if Asuka should have complained of being cold, I had no doubt that Shinji would have shed his coat for her. I remembered him saying that he didn't know if Asuka loved him…and neither did I, but it seemed to me that him being with her made him happier than I had ever seen him. Would he have shed the coat for me, should I have asked him to? Was that what love was?

I thought then that I did have the ability to feel…didn't I? After all, just because I was unfamiliar with emotions, didn't mean I couldn't feel them…right? Or maybe it was because I wasn't meant to feel, that I didn't know what emotions were. _'The ability to feel.'_ I hated that voice that seemed to torment me endlessly, but fortunately I found comfort from other words. _'You're my friend.'_ He had not even answered my question, and I had been satisfied. But why? It was not logical that I be satisfied with an answer that had no relevance to my question, just as it was not logical when I had pushed Shinji away.

Then my thoughts drifted to the unknown feeling that I had when Shinji had told me that he wanted to hear me play his favorite piano piece. I was…flattered? That he thought that my playing would equal that of a professional musician. I felt that I would learn to play that piece, and very well, so that I could play it for Shinji.

As more thunder sounded I walked past the piano, intending the try and go back to sleep, but the title "Moonlight Sonata" caught my attention. Before I had gone to bed, I had placed it on the piano so it would be ready for me to practice. I thought, why not practice then? So I sat down on the piano bench, and I began to plunk my way through the first page. It wasn't long before I was engrossed in the music. It was something else to actually hear the piece being played, even when there were some flaws made by my inexperienced hands.

"Wonder Girl." An all too familiar voice interrupted my reverie.

"Sohryuu, you are awake?" I acknowledged.

"With you banging away on that? Yeah." She said rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"I apologize for disturbing you. I will return to bed now." I said softly and stood up.

"Hey, wait a minute will you." She said and yawned. "So what were you doing at the mall today anyway? Plan to meet Shinji there while Hikari and I were shopping?" The nature of the questions was hostile, but the tone she was using…confused me.

"I was going to the mall to buy some music sheets and a book. Our meeting in the music store was coincidental." I replied.

"You go to the mall to get a music sheet and a book. You return with a music sheet that Shinji bought for you, but no book." She asked slowly.

"That is correct. I never got the chance to go to a book store." Asuka began to chuckle at my response.

"Whatever." She said and held up a book. "You like to read, right?" She asked as she tossed it at me.

"Understanding Your Feelings." I read the title of the book aloud.

"Very good Wonder Girl. Now that you have that, I don't expect you to be having anymore private conversations with my boyfriend about your 'foreign emotions'. Understand?" I could only stare at the book cover, and then back at her. Again, I saw fear in her eyes.

"I'm not trying to take him from you." I said softly.

"Just read the fucking book." She said harshly and stalked off to her room.

*******

The next morning I woke up at my usual time, however I didn't need to start walking to NERV until later that morning. Surprisingly enough, after I had scanned the first few pages of the book that Asuka had gotten me, I took an interest in it and I began to read. As I continued to read, I became engrossed and fascinated with how the author explained which feelings were what, and what could possibly trigger those feelings. As I got through the first chapter, I heard a timid knock upon the door. I opened the door to find an apprehensive Shinji.

"Rei! I didn't know that you were up already." He said rather incredulously.

"I am usually up this early on school days. It has become habitual." I replied as I sat back down on the couch.

"Oh…um…well, would you like to come with me and Asuka to get some breakfast then?" He asked nervously as he fidgeted. The question rather caught me by surprise. What surprised me was that he thought to include me even when just the previous day, he had invited me to have dinner with them. I had been flattered that he should consider me a friend, but I was becoming worried that his frequent insistence that I be included would upset Asuka, who in turn would make Shinji miserable.

"I…would like that." I replied nonetheless and put down my book.

"Morning Shinji." Asuka said as she entered the living room. "I'm ready. See you later Wonder Girl." 

"Um…I invited Rei to come with us." Shinji said nervously as he stood up.

"You what?" She asked furiously as she turned to face him. Shinji gave a crooked smile and Asuka grabbed him by the ear.

"Wonder Girl, excuse us for a second will you?" And with that, she dragged him out the front door and closed it. Their conversation was muffled from behind the door, and I felt it best not to pry anyway. So I briefly picked up my book to continue reading. It wasn't long before the door opened and Shinji entered looking rather red in the face.

"Um…ready?" He asked and gave a halfhearted smile.

"I do not wish to be a problem." I said without getting up.

"Stop saying that. Come on." As I got up, I made sure to bring along the book that Asuka had given me, for I suspected that our breakfast would have very little conversation involved.

*******

"All right everyone, let's get this started." The tired voice of Dr. Akagi finally sounded over the communications link, and the synchronization test began.

As I had suspected, breakfast that morning was less than friendly. The only time that Asuka spoke at all was when the waiter took our order. I had been relatively silent, reading my book while Shinji tried vainly to coax Asuka out of her silence, first with reasoning, then with groveling.

It was a relief to me when we finally reached NERV base and suited up. However, we weren't able to start on schedule since Lieutenants Aoba and Hyuga failed to show up. We waited for nearly an hour, but fortunately…or unfortunately I had something to distract me.

I must reiterate how fascinated I was with the book that Asuka gave me, for not only did it somewhat help me in dealing with my own feelings, it helped me understand why Shinji and Asuka acted the way that they did. I found it even more enjoyable when the author explained reactions and emotions as being linked to the human psyche.

Indeed, I believed that I understood Shinji's behavior in wanting to include me in many of his functions, and why Asuka seemed to find my association with Shinji to be so disagreeable. I believe that I felt some level of…excitement? At my new understanding of human emotions. Unfortunately, while I supposedly understood emotions of others, I still did not understand my own.

So I made up my mind, that I would talk to Shinji as soon as the synchronization tests were over. I figured that it wouldn't be that hard at all since he would most likely be more than willing to listen to anything that I had to tell him…even if it was out of some feelings of personal obligation. I would talk to Asuka…I would talk to her later, though at the time I had hoped to avoid confronting her at all. In my mind, if I could bring some mutual understanding between Shinji and I on our relationship, then maybe Asuka's hostilities would be eased.

"Results are as follows…"I suddenly heard Dr. Akagi's voice over communications. "Pilot Nagisa has the highest score at eighty-one percent. Why you're a reserve pilot is beyond me."

"Dr. Akagi, please control yourself." I heard the voice of Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki say calmly.

"The Great Pilot Ikari's score is down to seventy percent. Pilot Sohryuu's score is also down at forty-eight percent. And Pilot Ayanami…" I heard her pause as she started to chuckle. "The doll is at an all time low of twenty percent." An unstable laughter echoed through the communications link.

"Thank you for your time Dr. Akagi. Guards, please escort her back to her chambers." 

"No thank you Kozo. I can find my own way." Her laughter immediately fell short. It was a little while before the Sub-Commander spoke again.

"Thank you for enduring the good Doctor's behavior. I am afraid that the news of Dr. Ibuki's untimely and tragic death has only served to worsen her condition. You have thirty minutes to clean up and report to Colonel Katsuragi in the briefing room. That will be all." 

I made my way to the locker rooms slowly, hoping to arrive just after Asuka cleaned up, and unfortunately I was successful. As I turned the corner and came to the hall with the locker rooms I saw, a little ways down the hall, Shinji trying to catch up to Asuka.

"Asuka please…" Shinji pleaded and took hold of her arm.

"Don't touch me asshole!" She screamed and slapped him across the face. Shinji was stunned just long enough for Asuka to dash past me, towards the briefing room.

"Asuka!" He called after her and began to try and catch up.

"Shinji, may I…" I began.

"Not right now." He said quickly and rushed past me without a glance. I stood and watched for a little before turning back to the locker rooms.

I took a quick shower and got dressed, thinking about what I was going to assert to Shinji. Needless to say, I was very apprehensive about the idea, but I felt it needed to be done. My personal quest damaged his relationship with Asuka and jeopardized the happiness of both of them, so it was my responsibility to make sure that things worked out for them.

"It seems that their own fears have finally caught up to them, eh Rei?" I heard as I left the locker room. "Both of them really have no chance to have a normal relationship with anyone, let alone each other. Doomed from the start, I'd say." He said in the ever-whimsical tone of his.

"I don't remember being on a first name basis with you Nagisa." My tone remained, as it always had been, neutral. However my voice contained what I could only describe as…irritation.

"My apologies Ayanami. You never seemed offended by it before."

"You assume too much."

"Still, what do you think? Do you think they ever had a chance?"

"I believe that they still have a chance." I was going to make sure that they did.

"Is that so?"

"Couples often argue. As long as there is love between them, they have a chance."

"My, my. Someone is awfully optimistic about the human spirit, but I guess you would have to be, seeing as how you seem to be the epicenter of their current conflict." I chose not to dignify his remark with a response.

We reached the debriefing room and I found not only Misato to be present, but the Sub-Commander was there as well, sitting behind a small desk with a notebook and pen in front of him. Asuka stood rigid at attention, and Shinji seemed to slouch as he rubbed the recently acquired red mark on his cheek. Nagisa and I took our respective positions before them and waited for Misato to speak.

"You're late." Misato directed the comment at Nagisa and myself.

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again." He said and bowed.

"My apologies." I said and bowed as well.

"All right, let's get right to it. I am not pleased with your current synch scores, and neither is the Commander. Shinji, you know his conditions about your relationship with Asuka?" Misato asked with raised eyebrows.

"You won't have to worry about that anymore." Asuka said bitingly.

"Asuka…" Shinji began, but stopped, and returned his gaze to the floor.

"Oh really? And why is that?" Misato asked curtly. Asuka remained silent and Misato looked back and forth between her and Shinji. "I don't know what shit storm you two are going through, but I have been informed that if you do not resolve this little lover's spat, you will be replaced by Kaworu and put on backup." She directed the last part at Asuka.

"What?!" She screamed incredulously. "Why?! If he's going to replace someone, replace the goddamn doll! Her scores…"

"Pilot Sohryuu," Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki spoke softly, yet firmly. "Please lower your voice. You are becoming shrill." Everyone stared at him as he sat calmly behind the desk. "And I do not think that vulgarity and degrading remarks are appropriate." I noticed that his speech differed from the Commander's was that he always spoke in a reassuring, understanding and fatherly tone. "You may continue Colonel."

"Thank you sir." Misato continued, "So you have one week exactly to settle it is whatever you need to settle. If both of your scores do not improve by then, Asuka will be placed on backup status and Kaworu will replace her. Not only that, but Asuka will be moved from Rei's home to the care of a guardian assigned by NERV." She finished and looked over all of us critically. "I assume that you all understand these terms and arrangements." Once again, she paused to look us over critically. "That will be all. Shinji, I have to work late so I won't be able to drive you home." She added the last part in a more familiar tone.

I looked over at Asuka and saw her staring straight ahead, tears threatening to break. Then she turned and stormed out of the room. Shinji ran after her immediately without looking back and I was about to follow when the Sub-Commander halted me.

"Rei, a word if you will?" He said and beckoned me closer while Misato gave him a curious look. "Thank you Colonel, but I am afraid that the conversation I wish to have with Rei is a private one." Misato nodded and followed Nagisa out of the room.

"I apologize Sub-Commander, but I am afraid that I am pressed for time…" I tried to say.

"It will only be a second." I was about to say something more, but he stopped me. "Humor me." So I fell silent. "I am aware that your scores have been falling since Pilot Sohryuu has moved in with you." He paused, and was silent before I realize it was more of a question than a statement.

"Sohryuu's presence in my residence is not causing my scores to drop. I am having some personal troubles which I need to resolve myself." He nodded slightly at my response.

"Nevertheless, the Commander would like to speak to you personally about it. He is currently indisposed, but will be done in about thirty minutes. You can wait outside of his office until then."

"I apologize Sub-Commander, but it is impossible for me to attend any functions this afternoon."

"Ms. Ayanami," He said and leaned back in his chair. "You seem to think that the Commander is merely requesting your presence." 

"Please relay to him my apologies. I will not be able to speak with him this afternoon."

"Are you disobeying a direct order from the Commander?" 

Inside, I froze. I wondered, was I going to disobey a direct order? From the Commander? Before, it had never even crossed my mind to ever disobey an order from him. He had been my purpose, my beacon, my North Star to life. I realized then, that if I truly were going to disobey the Commander…then I would be denying my entire existence…for what? 

"Yes." I heard myself say. And then he smiled.

"What am I supposed to tell him?" He asked finally.

"That I ask his forgiveness for not being able to speak to him today. That I will meet him Sunday at his church and speak with him there." He nodded slightly.

"Very well. You are dismissed." He said. As I exited the room, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to find Nagisa leaning on the wall just outside the door.

"They are currently having a discussion in the cafeteria." He said and pointed. I wondered briefly how he knew what I wanted to know, but dismissed it as being trivial at the time. I quickly headed down to the cafeteria to find Shinji and Asuka. As I neared the said destination, I could hear their discussion echoing down the hall.

"Were you just playing me for some jealousy thing?!" I heard Asuka yell.

"Please, let me explain."

"No! There is nothing for you to explain! Whose idea was it for me to move in with her anyway? Especially when I could've been living alone! Then you take her out for coffee without thinking of telling me! You spend practically the entire week with her and then accidentally run into her at the music store in the mall! And then you take her along with us this morning when today was supposed to be OUR day?!"

"Asuka please…"

"No! Fuck you! You can have your fucking doll!" I stood in the doorway of the cafeteria as she finished her last statement. Then she turned and ran past me crying. I turned briefly to watch her go, but turned back to see Shinji sitting at a table with his face buried in his arms. I hesitated, feeling what I learned from my book as being anxiety. However, I had set out to try and make things right and that was what I was going to do. So I sat down across from him and gently placed my hand on his head.

"I didn't even get to tell her what I had planned for tonight." His muffled voice sounded as he raised his head. "I guess I'll cancel the reservations." I saw so many emotions in his eyes…I couldn't even begin to name them all. And so I built up my resolve and fortitude. 

"Shinji…" I began.

"No, this isn't your fault Rei." He said quickly.

"Shinji…" I began again.

"No, I won't hear it."

"Listen to me Shinji Ikari." Once again, I did not detect any change in my voice, however it seemed to get his attention. "Shinji, I appreciate all the help you've given me. You have my gratitude for trying to be a friend when I had none, and believe that I understand why you avoided me for so long, so you need not feel guilty.

"I would be lying if I said that I was not hurt by your actions. But I also forgive you. You seem to think that you need to compensate for what you did, but I have no desire for such compensation. And though I have not yet reached the answer to all my questions, you have already helped me understand some of what I desired to know, which was more than what you were obligated to do.

"It is my fault for involving you in matters that I could only solve on my own. It is Sohryuu's fault for not being more understanding of both of our feelings and situations. However, it is your fault as well for neglecting the one you love and for not making known to her your intentions and feelings.

"All of us have contributed to this ordeal, and it is up to all of us to repair it. I want you to know that I am not asking for your friendship after this, not if it will take priority over the one you love. However I do ask that you not cancel your reservation at the restaurant. Instead, arrive appropriately dressed at my apartment at eight tonight. I will do my part to repair this situation with Asuka, and from tonight on… your duty will be to make sure that you and she are happy." With that I stood up and began to leave.

"Rei?" He asked softly. "Why are you doing this?" I paused for a moment, and pondered the question. I had never actually thought about it in detail, and I did begin to wonder why. Guilt wasn't the only reason, was it?

"You're my friend." I said simply and walked away.

"You think they have a chance to be happy?" Nagisa asked me as I left the cafeteria.

"They deserve to be happy." I replied.

"What they deserve and what they'll get are two different things."

"Yes, they are."

"You're just setting them up to be hurt again. Is that what you want?"

"No."

"Humans are basically destined to hurt each other. And those two don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it."

"Humans may be more resilient than you believe."

"We'll see. I have some matters to attend to, good day Ayanami." As he walked off in the opposite direction, I wondered, did he refer to them as humans?

*******

I stood for a long time outside of Horaki's home. It was a nice traditional house, which the family had probably owned since before Second Impact. I had wished to avoid confronting Sohryuu, but it seemed that I had no choice. I thought long and hard about what I was going to say, but could think of nothing. Still, it had to be done, so I walked up to the front door and I knocked. I waited for a little while before the door was answered.

"A-Ayanami!" Horaki exclaimed, looking very agitated. "Wha-what b-brings you here?"

"I wish to speak with Sohryuu."

"I'm sorry Ayanami, but she's not here." She was a very poor liar.

"I wish to speak with Sohryuu."

"She's not here, I don't know where she is."

"I wish to speak with Sohryuu."

"Now's not a good time!" She hissed in a loud whisper. "I haven't even been able to get a word out of her!"

"It is imperative that I speak with Sohryuu." She looked into her home nervously before looking back at me. She bit her lower bit and stepped aside.

"I don't think you can help." She said softly as she shut the door and led me upstairs to outside of what I guessed was her room. She knocked softly and received a loud and very rude response. "Asuka, there's…" I shook my head as she looked at me. "I brought something for you to eat." She said and her face turned red. The door opened and I stepped through before Asuka could slam it in my face.

"You!" She screamed and slapped me after she recovered from her initial surprise. "What the hell are you doing here?!" My vision momentarily blurred, but I quickly recovered.

"Asuka!" Horaki's face was very red, and she looked as though she was about have a nervous breakdown.

"Come to gloat, is that it Wonder Doll? Come to tell me how you got my man? To wave it in front of my face while you do your victory dance?" Her eyes were red and puffy, and her cheeks were stained with tears.

"Sohryuu…"

"You don't think I saw you? Standing there in the doorway of the cafeteria, listening to us? Waiting to scoop up Shinji once we were done? To take away the only thing I had left?" Her voice had lowered considerably and it was obvious that she was trying to not cry openly in front of me.

"Sohryuu, let me…"

"But that's what you do right? Take away everything from me. First my pride…then my…and now my dignity…" She collapsed and began to weep. Horaki made a move to try and comfort her, but again I silently stopped her and I motioned for her to leave. Asuka's hurt was something only I could take care of. However, I could not think of anything to say.

"Sohryuu, I did not take everything from you…" I paused uncertainly, scanning my mind for something to say. "I did not take Eva from you."

"You might as well have! Besides, that lab rat can have my fucking puppet if he wants it…I'm sorry…I want my…give him back you bitch." She said between sobs.

"You don't understand Sohryuu." I said and knelt dangerously close to her. "It was never my intention to take Shinji from you."

"That's just how it turned out right? Your 'feelings' for Shinji…" She said weakly.

"I never said I had feelings for Shinji. I said I needed Shinji's help to understand some feelings." I explained.

"Then what the fuck did you come here for?" She asked as she made eye contact with me.

"I came to tell you that it is impossible for Shinji to be mine, since he has always been yours."

"What?" And then everything that I needed to say fell into place.

"He could never be mine, even if I wanted it to be so, because he loves you. It is too complicated to explain why I wanted his help in the first place, as it is also too complicated to explain why he has been spending so much time with me lately. But I know now that all of this has happened because of me." I stood up and made as if to leave.

"And so what? Is that it? That's all you came down here to tell me?"

"No."

"Then what?" I remained silent for a little while.

"I'm going to take you back home, and help you prepare for tonight." I said and opened the bedroom door.

"Will you please explain yourself the first time around?" I heard her beginning to get up.

"While I was with Shinji at the mall yesterday, he made reservations for you and himself at the restaurant on the third floor. Your reservations are for tonight at nine. I told him you'd be ready at eight."

"What? That asshole!" I turned and looked at her curiously, not sure as to why she would be angry. "What did he expect me to wear? He didn't tell me and now I have no time to shop! And he's coming at eight?! That only gives me four hours! And it will take at least thirty minutes to get back home! Mein Gott! Wait for me downstairs. Hikari!"

I went downstairs and Horaki gave me a questioning look as I passed her on the stairs. I remember thinking to myself, how curious Asuka was. Not a moment before she had been furious with Shinji and I, and next to a heart beat later, she was worrying about how she'll look for her dinner with him. It wasn't very long before Asuka came racing down the stairs with Horaki in pursuit.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Horaki asked with a very concerned look.

"I'll be fine. Thanks." Asuka replied and hugged her. "Well, let's not stand here on ceremony. I've only got a few hours to prepare for dinner. Sorry Hikari, I'll explain later." And I found myself unceremoniously pushed out of the house.

We walked quickly, and in relative silence. I noticed that the wind began to pick up, and sent shivers down my spine. Asuka looked pensive, and so I allowed my thoughts to wander. I thought about how Nagisa seemed to become overly interested in the relationship of Shinji and Asuka, or rather, interested in my involvement in their relationship. What was he up to? What concern of his was I? What concern of his were they?

"Wonder Girl." Asuka said suddenly.

"Sohryuu." I acknowledged.

"Are you telling me that I have a second chance?" She asked softly.

"What do you mean?"

"I said some…awful things to Shinji. I don't know how much you heard…" There was a long pause before I spoke.

"Then yes, you have a second chance."

*******

I sat and read my book as Asuka got herself ready. Her idea of me helping her was me sitting on her bed and listening to her complaints about how little time she had and how she had nothing to wear. I was rather appalled at how many outfits that she had. Why one person would need so much clothes was beyond me. What confused me further was that, although she had possibly more clothes than everyone in our class combined, she could find nothing to wear.

"What do you think?" She would ask me every so often.

"That would be acceptable for the occasion." I would reply.

"Hmm…no…no, this won't work." She would ignore me and continue to sift through her clothes. It was a little while before I came to conclusion that I did not have to answer her questions at all, and she would come to the same conclusion every time.

"That's it! This is perfect." She said and admired herself in her vanity mirror. It was a sleeveless red dress of a very fine material. The dress seemed to flow across her figure in natural way, leaving enough to the imagination so that it was just enough to tempt the average male without being considered indecent. She also donned a pair of matching red gloves that extended up just past her elbows. "What do you think?"

"A bit much." I replied and went back to my book.

"If you think this is bad, you should see what some movie stars wear." She replied and began to undress for her shower. "Goddamnit! I have only an hour left!"

I retired myself to the kitchen and prepared a light dinner for myself. When I finished my meal, I waited patiently in my living room for the clock to chime eight. I figured I would probably have to let Shinji in since Asuka would probably be running behind schedule. When the clock did chime eight, I once again waited for the knock to signify Shinji's arrival. And it would seem that he would be late again.

"All right! Is he here?" Asuka asked excitedly as she entered the living room in full dress. The only adjective that came to mind was 'extravagant'.

"He has not arrived."

"What?! He's twenty minutes late! Where the hell is he? The nerve of him." She began to pace nervously back and forth across the room. I watched, fascinated with her reactions. Eventually she huffed and took a seat next me on the couch. "Are you sure he is going to be here?"

"I made sure that he understood to arrive at our residence at eight in order for you to arrive at the restaurant in a timely manner." She was quiet as she watched the clock tick. She sighed softly as the clock struck the half-hour mark. 

"Hey Wonder Girl."

"Sohryuu."

"Thanks." She said softly. I only nodded. Then there came a knock from the door. In a few seconds Asuka was standing at my open front door, and I behind her.

"Wow." Shinji said as he looked upon her. There was a long and embarrassed silence as they stood in front of each other, not daring to make eye contact. "Asuka…"

"Shut up, stupid. You're late." She said and stepped out. He looked past her at me briefly and conveyed an unheard message with his eyes. "But I forgive you…" She continued and leaned toward him for a kiss. I shut the door to leave them be, and I smiled.

*******

I continued to practice Moonlight Sonata, and paused briefly as it began to lightly rain. Not a storm, but I still couldn't look upon the night sky. I sighed and continued to play while thoughts and worries were running endlessly through my head. The foremost worry, was my desire to know if their dinner was going well. It was only with great effort, that I was able to push that worry to the back of my mind. But then with that out of the way, more troubling thoughts made themselves known.

I wondered why had I disobeyed the Commander's orders. To disobey the Commander was to deny my very existence…my very purpose. I was created by the Commander to start Third Impact once all the angels were destroyed. To complete the human race by forcing it into it's most pure form. My rationale for that purpose had always been that the human race was imperfect, and my purpose was to make them perfect. However, I had begun to think…was imperfection all that bad?

The Commander always expressed to me that emotions are what made the human race imperfect. I had been under the impression that the humans caused each other hurt and pain…but was that bad? For along with hurt and pain, there was pleasure. There was hate, and then there was love. There was no doubt in my mind that hurt, pain and hate were bad, but…was it worth it to destroy everything? And even if it wasn't worth it, if I decided not to go through with my purpose…then I would have none…and then what would be the point of existing? Could I go on without a purpose? Humans seemed to be able to live peacefully without one, but was I human? Furthermore, why should I deny my purpose for emotions that I had never felt…but on the same thread…why should I fulfill my purpose for emotions I had never felt?

The phone rang and I stopped playing briefly to answer it.

"Hey Wonder Girl, it's me. I'm staying at Shinji's for tonight, so don't wait up for me okay?" Before I could ask anything about their dinner, she hung up. Even though I did not ask any questions about their dinner, I felt the same level of satisfaction as if I had been informed that all went well.

Then I began to think about Shinji. Why had I gone to him for help in the first place? Why hadn't I thought about reading about emotions in a book, like Asuka had suggested? It seemed to be the most logical answer. After all, I preferred reading to human interaction on any given occasion. So why did I constantly go to Shinji for help…or even for friendship? Why did it matter to me if Shinji were my friend? If I were indeed created not to feel any emotions and to purely fulfill a specific purpose…then why all of a sudden did I feel the need for acceptance, friendship, and emotions? Why did I even begin to feel emotions?

__

'The ability to feel.' Nagisa…had referred to them as humans. I know that I referred to them as humans every now and then because I didn't feel like a human. Did that mean that his reference to them as humans was an indication that he was not human?

Then my head began to hurt. I came to the conclusion that I had done enough thinking for the night and that it was time for me to go to sleep. And so with the knowledge that Shinji and Asuka were once again happy lovers, I went to sleep satisfied.

*******

****

Author's Notes: **Now, this is the second part to my piece. My thanks and eternal gratitude go out to those who have critiqued this thus far. All forms of criticism welcome. I have to say that I personally dislike this part the most out of the three. When I wrote this, I couldn't get the right mood…so it doesn't carry the same air…it also lacks some graces of presentation, situations seem out of place…and no matter how many times I rewrote this part…I couldn't get it to come out the way I wanted. Anyway, I hope all that have read it thus far are enjoying it.**


	3. Part 3

Choose Life, Part 3

I spent most of the next morning continuing to practice my recently acquired piano piece. The beginning was relatively simple, and I could play all the notes well, but I felt that it was missing something. No matter how many times I played and played it again, it simply didn't sound right. 

However, once the clock chimed twelve, I stopped. I was perplexed that no matter how hard I tried, I could not play it the way I felt that it should have been played. It wasn't the feeling that I was making an error, but rather it was the feeling that I was forgetting to do something. I felt that it absolutely needed to be perfect.

So over lunch I thought about the piece, note by note. Was I forgetting a crucial detail somewhere in the piece? Was I holding down the pedal too long? Or maybe I was cutting off the breaks in notes too short. I thought, but to no avail. It wasn't long after I had cleaned my dishes and set them in the rack to dry, that my phone rang.

"Rei?" A familiar voice sounded over the phone.

"Shinji." I replied.

"Um, hey, how are you?"

"I am well."

"Great, uh, have you had lunch yet?"

"I have had lunch, yes."

"Oh…" He sounded rather disappointed. "She already ate." He said to someone on his end. "What? No…okay, okay. Rei?"

"I am still on the phone."

"Um, well we wanted to take you out for lunch somewhere, but since you already ate, we were thinking that maybe you would like to come over and uh…I don't know…ow! Don't throw stuff at me! Sorry Rei. Um, would you like to come over and hang out and then later, maybe we could take you to dinner?" I was slightly intrigued by the background noises, and even found it rather…amusing.

"When you say 'we', do you mean you and Sohryuu?"

"Well, yeah, I mean me, you and Asuka." He sounded a little unsure of himself. "I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to. Oh! Yeah, Asuka is fine with it, she says it's her idea."

"That would be acceptable." I replied.

"Really? Great! Um, so I guess I'll see you in a little bit?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, bye." I remember thinking then how odd people were while talking on the phone. 

*******

"Rei! Come on in." Shinji said and stepped aside to let me in. After thanking him and taking off my shoes, we went into the living room where we found Asuka sprawled out lazily on the couch. An irritating and loud commercial was playing on the television, advertising some sort of new orange juice.

"Hey Wonder Girl." She said without taking her focus off the television. 

"Sohryuu." I replied and sat down on the floor. Shinji did the same at the opposite end of the couch.

"So…Rei, where would you like to have dinner?" He asked.

"Quiet, my show is back on." Asuka interjected.

"Anyplace would be suitable." I replied.

"I can't hear what they're saying." Asuka complained.

"Um…well, that doesn't help much."

"You are aware that since Wonder Girl doesn't have a TV, I must watch all my shows here?"

"I suppose the Keats Diner would be fine." Asuka cleared her throat loudly before casting accusing looks at Shinji and myself.

"That's the one near the church on Main?" He asked, and Asuka began to turn the volume of the television up.

"Yes." I replied.

"What time would you like to have dinner?" He asked.

"Any time would be suitable."

"Um…well…" Then Asuka muted the television and turned herself upright.

"Christ! It's bad enough not being able to comfortably watch my shows without interruption, but I have to listen to you two social retards on top of that! We'll have dinner at seven, at the…was it Keats Diner? And while I'm at it, why don't I save a little awkward conversation time and say that we'll go get ice cream at the Nightingale Ice Cream Parlor for dessert. Okay?" She cast a last glare at both of us before lying back down and turning the sound back on.

I looked to Shinji and he motioned for me to follow him out onto the balcony. I stood up and crossed in front of Asuka's line of sight to follow, earning me yet another look of daggers. As we he closed the sliding glass door behind us, he sighed in exasperation.

"Sorry about that. She gets like that sometimes."

"You do not have to apologize for her actions. I have been living with her for two weeks now and have had her as a fellow pilot for a few years. I am aware of her behavior and have grown used to it." I paused for a second as I stood near the balcony rail and looked out upon a relatively clearer sky. There were still clouds, but I could smell that it probably wouldn't last. I knew that there would be a storm later, but I still hoped that maybe it would clear enough in the early evening for me to see the stars for a little while.

"Yeah." Was all he said and as he too began to stare out at the city from the balcony. "You know…Rei…um…"

"Do not thank me. I didn't do anything worth praise." I said softly.

The silence that followed was not uncomfortable at all, and in fact was…refreshing? I did not feel the need to begin a conversation, and I'm sure that he felt the same, as he was not projecting any feelings of anxiety. So I had the comfort of his presence and company while at the same time having the same comfortable silence that I was so used to.

"Shinji." This time it was I to interrupt the reverie as a thought came to mind.

"Hmm?"

"Do you have a recording of Moonlight Sonata?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah. Would you like to listen to it?"

"I would like that." I replied and I heard the door open and shut as he went to retrieve his player and the piece. When he returned with his player, he wiped off the ear buds and handed it to me.

"It's already on the right track, all you need to do is hit play." He said.

"Thank you." The piece began, and I immediately felt the difference. 

Everything that I did while practicing was the same as what the musician on the track was doing, but I immediately placed what I was forgetting, or what my playing was lacking…it was…the feeling. How did an artist put such a feeling into a piece? Even in renditions of Bach that I heard, I felt the difference, but I never paid any attention to it. Since I played only for myself, I felt no need to strive to create the feeling, but then…oh, how I wanted to know how they played their pieces with such emotion. I imagined myself playing for Shinji, imagining myself creating the same sounds that they could, and I practiced in my mind, every note.

When the track reached the end, I hit the rewind button and listened again…and again. I knew the piece was long, but time was lost to me, as I wanted to feel…feel everything that was being conveyed through the playing. I was vaguely aware that Shinji was watching me curiously, but it wasn't long that even that was lost to me. I was traveling by myself, through the world of music, every chord of music striking a chord inside of me. 

I became aware of not only the emotions of the musician, but the emotions of the composer as well! Oh, how I felt! How I yearned! How I ached! And although I could not understand the vast amount of emotions that the piece was invoking, I understood the feelings the composer etched into his music. I understood…how I thought I understood…knowing what it was like to be deaf in a way! A man full of inspiration, full of feeling, knowing that he was creating something wonderful…and yet not being able to hear it! He could not hear…his own magnificence…and it mattered not the riches of the world, nor the fame that he received for his playing…but if he could only hear his own music. If only I knew what I was feeling.

"Rei! Rei! Are you okay?" I opened my eyes to find Shinji shaking my shoulders, a worried expression on his face.

"I…I am fine." I said as I slowly began to regain my senses. I had realized that there were tears running slowly down my face, and I gingerly wiped them away.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I replied simply, but he didn't look convinced. "Shinji…thank you for letting me listen."

"Any time." He said and smiled nervously. "Are you sure that you're okay?"

"I am fine." The glass door then slid open to reveal Misato.

"He was hit by a car?!" Asuka called out incredulously.

"Yeah, witnesses say that he looked freaked out." Misato called back tiredly. "So there you are. Hey Rei, didn't know you were here."

"Good day Col…" I stopped myself. "Misato." I corrected.

"Much better." She said with a smile.

"You look awful Misato. Where were you? You were supposed to be home at seven yesterday." Shinji asked worriedly as we followed her back inside.

"Pulling a triple shift." She groaned as she headed to her bedroom. "Asuka will tell ya about it. Won't be out for dinner…night." She finished with a yawn and shut her bedroom door. 

Though Shinji was concerned, I wasn't particularly interested in the circumstances that required Misato to put in extra hours of work. I was still focused on the piece that I had been listening to, and was deep in thought as Shinji and Asuka carried on a short conversation to which I paid no attention.

*******

How can one, single emotion change so much? Up until three weeks ago, I had been existing happily…well…happily might not be the right word, rather I had been existing comfortably. Then a single emotion changed all of that. A single emotion sent me down a long and hard road known to many as self-discovery. A single emotion destroyed my existence, forcing me to live, tipping the dominos in an endless path of questions. I can't even remember how much pain, mental anguish and inner turmoil I went through on account of self-discovery. I remember asking myself over and over… "Is it worth it?" But no matter how often I asked myself the question and no matter what answer I came up with, there was only one option. For the road I was walking was a one way street, and I could only hope that I would reach the end with my sanity still intact. 

*******

"May I take your order?" The waitress had asked politely.

"I'll have the top sirloin steak, bloody as hell, with garlic potatoes and green beans." Asuka stated and handed her the menu.

"Could I have half-pound cheeseburger with fries? And could you hold the mayonnaise?" Shinji ordered and handed his menu over as well.

"A salad will be sufficient." I stated before I turned to look out the window.

"What type of dressing will you be having with your salad?"

"A light dressing. Any light dressing will do." I responded without turning to look.

"Your orders should be ready in a little bit."

The skies were still clear, but I could feel that it would not remain that way for long. A feeling of depression flooded me as I once again felt that I would not be able to gaze upon my beloved nighttime sky. The feeling of depression was soon coupled with a feeling of self-pity, that I did not even have that little comfort in my time of hardship.

My gaze eventually drifted to the church down the street. It seemed to me that it was such an archaic looking structure, so out of place amongst the rest of the buildings lining the street. I thought then about those who found comfort in their troubled lives by praying to an intangible, superior being called God. I wondered, how people could believe in something that there was no solid proof of, or ask for guidance from something that they could not see nor hear.

"Wonder Girl? You gonna sit there and stare all evening?" Asuka interrupted my train of thought.

"I am…sorry…I am not familiar with this situation." I replied uncomfortably from under her gaze.

"If you'd rather go home Rei…" Shinji began timidly.

"No. I enjoy your presence." I said awkwardly.

"Well Wonder Girl, let me give you some pointers." Asuka said imperiously.

"Asuka…" Shinji groaned.

"When 'friends' get together for dinner, or lunch, or whatever…one of the main things that they do is 'socialize'." I resented the rather condescending tone that she was using. Then again, I was interested in what she was saying.

"Asuka…" Shinji warned, seeming not to like the tone she was using either.

"Socialize…" I repeated.

"Yeah. You know, talk about things."

"What kind of things?" I asked.

"What kind of things?" She asked incredulously. "All kinds of things! Any kinds of things! Speak what's on your mind!"

"What's on my mind…" I noticed that I tended to repeat things to myself as form of clarification…a habit which seemed to irritate Asuka.

"You're not going to tell me that you stare out there without thinking of anything, are you?"

"Asuka, if Rei doesn't want to talk, leave her be." Shinji pleaded.

"Do you believe in God, Shinji?" I asked.

"What?" He looked rather stunned.

"Do you believe in God?" I repeated.

"Um…no…not really." He had replied rather guiltily.

"Anybody with intelligence knows that there is no God." Asuka added in as she took a sip from her glass of water.

"Yet…the Commander believes in God…" I said softly.

"Yeah, well, no one's perfect." Asuka replied.

"You go to church with the Commander, do you not?" I asked Shinji.

"I do…but I don't really believe in it." He explained nervously. "I don't even know if father believes in it."

"Why do you go if you don't believe in God?"

"It's the only time I really get to spend with him." He said softly.

"If the Commander didn't believe in God, why would he go to church?"

"Probably because he's done so much bad shit that he's not gonna take his chances." Asuka said before Shinji could answer. I nodded in response and once again turned to stare out the window at the church.

"But why do people believe in something that they have no proof of?"

"I guess it gives them hope." Shinji said softly. "They pray to God as a way of talking to someone. They find comfort in the thought that there is a higher being always willing to listen to them."

"Not only that, but most people don't like the idea that there is nothing left for us when we die." Asuka interjected. "They don't like the idea that when we die, we cease to exist."

"So it is a form of comfort?" I asked.

"Exactly." Asuka answered quickly.

As I nodded absently, I was made aware that our food had arrived. It seemed that the cook had prepared a light Caesar Salad for me. My only complaint would be the bacon bits that he had added. I wasn't sure if it was real bacon or processed meat, but either way it was disagreeable.

"Why does not Commander Ikari attend the church down the street? It is closer to NERV base." I asked between bites.

"Huh? Oh, um, that church is Protestant. Father attends a Roman Catholic Church." I nodded silently and continued to eat. Of course, I tuned out most of the conversation that went on between Shinji and Asuka, instead turning inward to examine myself.

I thought about what the Commander might wish to speak with me about. I knew that he did not approve of his son's relationship with Asuka, nor did he really like the current living arrangements that I had with Asuka. Of course, he was the very one who had suggested it in the first place…but something inside me told me that he knew why my scores were dropping. 

A feeling that could only be described as dread began to flow through my veins, making my blood heavy. Of course, if he knew why my scores were dropping, then he would want to remedy the situation very quickly by removing me from contact with his son and Asuka. More likely than not, since I would be under closer supervision at NERV base, I would be quartered there. I would no longer be able to go outside for very long. My contact with Shinji would be limited to piloting and training circumstances…I would not be able to return to that coffee shop that I liked so…and I definitely would not be able to see the stars at night.

And my dominos were falling at an ever-quicker pace, with no end in sight. As much dread, apprehension and depression that I had been feeling, I tried to tell myself that I would feel good…at least for the night. I would try and enjoy the company of Shinji and…well, just Shinji. However, as much as I tried to tell myself that I was going to forget about my troubles and just enjoy myself, I found the task a very difficult one. I felt that it was going to be a very long night.

"Hey Wonder Girl, why aren't you eating the bacon?" Yes…a very long night.

*******

Laughter echoed throughout my apartment as we entered. Of course, I was not laughing, but I was smiling. Shinji and Asuka collapsed on my couch brushing bits of ice off their clothes and out of their hair. On the way back from getting ice cream, it had started to hail. The bits of ice weren't large enough to be dangerous, but it stung a little bit, providing a rather amusing game for Shinji and Asuka.

I had checked the clock as I entered and found it to be near eleven. The night had actually gone much quicker than expected, and though Asuka had been rather disagreeable at times, she had helped greatly in the task of forgetting my troubles. Yes, that night I had rather enjoyed myself.

"I think I should be getting back home now." Shinji said as he slowly began to get up.

"No! Stay a little while." Asuka pleaded, never letting go of him.

"Well, I should get going before it starts to worsen." As he finished his sentence, a loud crack sounded from my balcony door and I saw a spider-web on the glass.

"Too late. Looks like you should stay the night." Asuka said and smiled in a fashion that I could only describe as a cat looking at a caged canary.

"Um…I'll just call Misato and see if she'll come pick me up." Shinji said nervously and moved toward my kitchen. "Um…can I use your phone Rei?"

"You may." I said before sitting down on the piano bench. 

As he went to the kitchen to make his call, I caught sight of the sheet of music titled Moonlight Sonata. My thoughts began to drift back to the meeting that I would have with the Commander the following morning, and once again a heavy weight was placed on my heart. The more I thought about the meeting, the more certain I was that he was going to quarter me someplace that I would not be comfortable in. But why would the Commander do that? 

For the longest time, he had always put me first…but…that was when I felt almost nothing. It was different now. I had disobeyed a direct order from him, instead choosing to pursue personal obligations of setting things right with Shinji and Asuka. Did that mean that…I was just a tool? Was the Commander using me? I didn't want that to be true, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me.

"Well, um…sorry, but I think that I'll have to stay the night." Shinji said nervously as he emerged from my kitchen. "Misato said that she was tired, plus she didn't want to get her car all dinged up in the storm."

"Aww…" Asuka said mockingly.

"You don't mind, do you Rei?" He asked uncertainly.

"Of course she doesn't." Asuka answered for me, but Shinji continued to wait for an answer.

"It will be no trouble." I said as he sat down next to Asuka. Thoughts continued to run endlessly through my head, and I felt that I must find some form of comfort before I went insane. "Do you mind if I practice a few pieces?" I asked.

"Huh? Oh! Are you going to play Moonlight Sonata?" Shinji asked almost excitedly. The question sort of took me by surprise.

"If you want me to. But…I am not sure that I can play it very well." I replied.

"It doesn't matter." He said sitting next to me on the piano bench, not paying any attention to Asuka's frown.

"All right." I said softly and began to nervously plunk away on the keys. 

My eyes ran over the notes and I found myself concentrating so hard that my notes were sounding very lifeless. As I tried to pay more attention to the way the piece sounded, I found myself misplaying certain notes. Needless to say that that had frustrated me. However, I felt that I would play for Shinji…I would play this piece for Shinji because…it could be the only chance that I had to play for him. That is, if the meeting with the Commander would be everything that I dreaded it would be.

Was I his tool? Since I was the only Rei Ayanami, that meant a greater risk to his plan if had doubts about following through with my purpose. I guess that he did have a great deal to be concerned about, since I definitely was having second thoughts. But surely, he didn't think that by removing me from everything that I held dear that he could control me? Did he? 

What scared me the most about that thought was that it was very true. If he did remove me from everything I loved and cherished…there was no doubt in my mind that I would go back to being the way I was. And I didn't want that…I didn't to go back to being nothing. I didn't want to go back to the cold depths of not feeling…because now that I have felt so much…there is no way that I wouldn't miss it.

But I was created! I was created for a purpose! To deny my creator was to deny my purpose for being! To deny the very reason I existed! Because…I was not human…

There was a slight pause as I finished the last note. And then there was silence throughout my apartment.

"Wow…Rei…that was…beautiful." I heard Shinji say in awe.

"Nice job Wonder Girl." Asuka spoke as if it meant nothing to her, but I heard different.

"Thank you." I said after a short, but awkward silence.

"Do you, um…know any other pieces?" Shinji asked.

"I do, but none of them are Beethoven."

"Could you play them? Any of them…for a little while. I mean…I'd love to hear them." 

"Of course." And I began to play again as he moved from the piano bench back to the couch.

"It was very beautiful Rei." He said one last time, and then I felt a warmth flow through me.

But could I live without a purpose? Even if I wasn't human, was I not capable of living without a purpose? At least if I were away from everything, I'd have a solid purpose in my life, and with that I could go on living comfortably…but is being comfortable enough? At that moment, being just comfortable wasn't enough. But the prospect of living a life full of uncertainty and pain wasn't all that appealing either. At least if I had a purpose, I had certainty and solidarity. But then there was Shinji…and there were the stars…and the mountains, and the songs that birds sing, and the sounds of cicadas, and the feeling of the sun on a warm summer day…

I could find no answer, and at that moment, it was even more painful than either of the choices that I could make.

I paused my playing after an unknown period of time, and looked over my shoulder at Shinji and Asuka sleeping soundly on the couch in each other's arms. I smiled to myself and went into Asuka's bedroom to fetch the comforter from her bed. I thought to myself, as I draped the comforter over them, how…becoming…they looked. 

I did not understand the love between the two of them, but somehow it still felt right. As different as they were, Shinji found the strength of heart to love her, while Asuka found the tenderness of heart to love him. Those were the sides to them that no one else saw, and no one else had the right to see.

I remember kneeling over and gently brushing a few hairs from his face and then…kissing him lightly on the forehead. I had surprised myself with that gesture of familiarity, but for some reason it had come naturally…and though I could feel a blush slowly spreading across my cheeks, it was not uncomfortable.

I turned off the lights and went to bed, all troubles forgotten.

*******

The next morning I did not wake up to my alarm. Instead, I awoke to a sound that seemed ancient, a war call that made my veins feel as if mercury ran through them, a sound that I had not heard in three years. It was only after a little while of staring out my bedroom window did I hear the ringing of my cell phone. And not long after that, Asuka burst into my room to tell me the obvious. My universe was filled with the sounds of chaos, and for a little while I didn't know what to do. A sickening and a very frightening sensation took hold of me and I fought desperately to keep it under control.

To my relief, it seemed that my conversation with the Commander would have to be put off once again and as quickly as the confusion had engulfed me, it left. I felt a sudden sense of familiarity in the situation, and I took some comfort in that.

As I got dressed in a hurry, I felt that if it were indeed the final angel…then there was a very dangerous situation on my hands. If we did not defeat the angel, then we would be destroyed…yet if we defeated the angel, then that would eliminate the final prerequisite for the Commander to start his plan. At the time, I still wasn't comfortable with the thought of living without a purpose, even after the resolution of the night before. I figured that I would have it all sorted out later.

*******

"Where's Pilot Nagisa?"

"You broke up there HQ, where again was it?"

"HQ, this is Bravo Six, we are in position."

"HQ, this is Alpha Four, seventy-five percent of the population are in shelters."

"Alpha Three, this is HQ, get out of there!"

"How long since Initial Contact?"

"An hour and forty minutes sir."

"Where'd it go?"

"HQ, this is Bravo Nine, we do not have a visual. Repeat, we do not have a visual."

"Bravo Units, this is HQ. Initial and Last Contact was in Sector 46. Screen Sector 46 and all surrounding sectors."

"Copy that HQ."

"Eva-01, prepped and ready for launch!"

"Eva-02, prepped and ready for launch!"

"Eva-03, prepped and ready for launch!"

"HQ, this is Bravo Prime. Negative on visual. Say again, negative on visual."

"Where's the Commander?"

The frequencies crackled with life. It would be a great understatement to say that it couldn't have hit at a worse time. With murders, investigations and tightened security going on, all of NERV base was caught off guard and was teetering. I sat for what seemed like hours in LCL, in my Eva, waiting for the launch order to be given. I had wanted everything to go as quickly as possible since the more time I had to myself, the more time I had to think…and thinking was very bad for me at that time.

"Shinji? Asuka? Rei?" Misato's voice sounded over the other garbled messages on the radio. "Are you ready?"

"Yes." I said softly.

"All right. Here's the game plan, I'm only going to go over this once, so listen up. First of all, we don't know what the angel looks like. We received a brief pattern blue from Sector 46 for no more than a minute, if even that. Then we began getting reports of an explosion in same sector. And I want to be very, very clear on this. We do not know what we are dealing with. Be very careful.

"Unit-01 will be launched into Sector 52. Unit-02 will be launched into Sector 33. Unit-03 will be launched into Sector 39." Misato paused briefly before continuing. "You will be in a triangular formation around the site of Initial Contact. Each of you will head to the nearest weapons site, retrieve the placed weapons, then converge slowly upon the Initial Contact site. Understood?"

"Understood." I spoke, only one of three voices.

"All right, prepare for launch in ten seconds, on my count!"

"Wait! Alpha Units report that only eighty-seven percent of the population evacuated!" Another voice interjected.

"Time is not a luxury we have. The risk is acceptable." I heard Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki speak. "Continue Colonel."

"…3…2…1…launch!"

*******

My face had betrayed nothing as I stood in the debriefing room. Nagisa was leaning nonchalantly against the wall and Asuka stood anxiously watching Shinji pace back and forth. We were the only ones in the room, and we had been waiting at least an hour for Misato and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki to give us a detailed report of what had happened. And although my face betrayed nothing, I felt my head spinning, my heart racing, my palms sweating and gut turning.

We had retrieved our weapons and had converged upon the point as if our last battle had been few days ago. As we neared the sector, we saw nothing, making all of us very nervous. The VTOL aircraft groups hovered, and the radio crackled and sputtered with incoherent messages. It wasn't long before we picked up a clear one.

"HQ, this is Echo Prime! We have found the Initial Contact site. No visual on anything hostile. Should we be looking for anything else?"

"Echo Prime, this is HQ. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary."

"Rei?" Misato's voice sounded clearly. "I want you to move in and scout out the Initial Contact site. It's been two hours since we lost our pattern Blue, but be careful. It could be anywhere." 

"Affirmative." I said softly and began to move in. 

There was no way to describe the feeling that I had. I found it extremely difficult to move forward, and my breathing came in short gasps. With each step, the feeling worsened, and inside…I felt cold and empty. I finally neared the site, and what I saw froze my blood. 

The Initial Contact site was a building, and it looked as though some great force or explosion had torn it apart. Crows circled over it like vultures, but as bad as it looked, I was able to recognize it quite easily. It had been Commander Ikari's church.

The door opened and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki walked in followed closely behind by Misato and an aide.

"All right." He began as he sat behind the desk. "First of all, I'm glad that Pilot Nagisa was able to make it to NERV safely."

"Sir." Nagisa said softly and nodded.

"Now for the full situation report. Lieutenant Uesugi, you may begin." Uesugi, a young, husky officer wearing sunglasses, stepped forward.

"Since Initial Contact was made, we have had no further information regarding the angel. Structural damages are down to a minimum, civilian casualties light, and our casualties are virtually nonexistent. However…" He paused and nervously and adjusted the collar of his uniform. "However, the Commander's Section 2 security had been wiped out in the explosion…and we suspect…well, until we receive evidence that the Commander is indeed alive, we will assume that he perished in the angel attack."

The room was dead silent, and Shinji had frozen in his tracks. Nagisa's smile never left his face. 

"It would appear…" Misato continued, "That Commander Ikari had gone to his usual church service, when the angel made it's appearance there. All Section 2 agents in the area lost their lives.

"We do not have any visual data of the angel. Not only that but we have reason to believe that it specifically wished to target the Commander before returning to hiding. This one is extremely dangerous. NERV base will now be on red alert, twenty-four hours of the day, and all of you should be ready to be called in at a moment's notice, which means no leisure. Understood?"

I remember not feeling anything, during the debriefing. I had been informed of the Commander's death, and yet it didn't seem of that great of an importance to me. I remember Shinji seeming to lose balance before falling on his rear. Asuka and Misato had rushed over to him to see if he was all right, and the only sound that registered was the Sub-Commander dismissing us. I was the first to leave the room.

I walked down the hallways of NERV in a daze, not knowing where I was going. The world was a blur, and it seemed as if everything was muted. I felt detached, as if I was looking upon myself from another point of view. My mind was stuck in neutral, no real thoughts were present. When I finally found myself back in reality, I was sitting the cafeteria, where the Commander and I had had lunch so many times in the past.

"Are you okay?" I heard a weak voice say from beside me. I looked and saw Shinji standing beside the table. I couldn't find an answer, and only looked away. "Mind if I have a seat?"

"No." I responded.

After he took his seat across from me, we sat in silence. The silence that followed was neither awkward nor comfortable. Shinji had a blank expression upon his face and he fidgeted with the sugar packets and the utensils. We remained that way for a while.

"I can't cry." He said finally and I looked upon him curiously. "I…I…keep feeling that I should. I…keep waiting for the tears. But, I can't." All that time, he had not been looking at me. "Is that wrong?"

I could offer no answer.

"He was never a father to me." He continued. "So I can't. But I always wanted him to be."

"He was the only parent I had." I said and Shinji looked at me with surprise in his eyes.

"I'm…so sorry Rei. I…forgot. Oh God, Rei. Are you sure you're okay?" He said and placed his hand over mine. I looked into his eyes and saw…so much.

"Yes. I think…I need a drink though." I said and stood up. My throat had gone dry, but more than that, I felt like I needed to move. I walked over to the soda machine and had begun searching for some change when the feeling crept up on me.

At first, I didn't notice it…but it slowly appeared. It started on the left side of my chest. It felt like a part of me was disintegrating, like a hole was slowly forming, like I was becoming emptier. I found some change and as I brought my hand up to place it in the slot, my hand began to shake so that I lost a hold of it and it clattered to the floor.

"I'll get that." Shinji said and kneeled down as I began to search for more change.

Then the feeling spread to the rest of my chest, and began to have a hard time breathing. I felt my face turning red, and as I brought up the next coin to the slot, once again I lost grip and the coin fell to the floor. Shinji had kneeled back down to get that one as well, and I wanted to thank him but my voice caught in my throat and a squeak came out instead. My vision began to blur and my eyes began to sting. My breath came out in short gasps and my hands were shaking so badly that I lost a hold of my purse as I fumbled for more change. Coins spilled out across the floor and I tried to suppress the growing lump in my throat. I had reflexively brought my hands to my face, covering my nose and my mouth as a sob escaped my lips and the very first tears began to fall.

And then I felt his arms wrap around me. I had been so scared…and it had hurt so much…and I began to cry.

*******

There is no way for me to express the extent of my gratitude to Misato, Shinji and Asuka. They were there for me when I had nothing left. Misato had driven Asuka and I home, and Shinji had held me the entire way. Shinji had decided to stay the night at my apartment, to make sure that my state of grieving was not worsened by any outside factors. I was aware of how uncomfortable it was for Asuka to see her lover hold me so close, but I was grateful that she left me be.

Both of them decided to skip school to watch over me, since they knew that I was in no state of mind to be attending class. Horaki, Suzuhara and Aida had even dropped by briefly at one point, to extend their sympathies. However, it didn't seem to matter who came by to try and offer solace. Nothing seemed to shake me from my depression. I ate one meal a day at most and it was a rare sight to see me out of bed. It was Thursday before something or rather, someone had forced me out of my mood.

"Hey Wonder Girl. You planning on getting out of bed sometime within this century?" Asuka had asked from the doorway of my room. In the state that I was in, I felt that she was the last thing I needed.

Earlier that day, she had forced Shinji out of the apartment, telling him to go to school. Her reasoning was that she had already graduated from college while Shinji still needed to get out of high school. He had reluctantly left, stating that he would go to the market right after school to buy dinner, then come back to the apartment. Which meant that I would be alone in the apartment with Asuka for the entire day. Mercifully enough, Asuka had left me alone for the entire morning, but felt the need to try and stir me from my depression sometime in the early afternoon.

"You're being even more of a wimp than Shinji. Come on, get out of bed already." She continued. My only response to that was top burrow myself further into my comforter.

"Stop moping! You're making me sick." She exclaimed with a huff and walked over and began to shake me forcefully.

"Leave me be." I said as firmly as I could.

"Fine! Be that way!" She said with irritation and stormed out of my room. So I was left in my room for the time being.

"I'm heading out for a bit Wonder Girl. Be back in about an hour or so." She returned to tell me after a little while. I felt a sort of relief that I would be undisturbed for at least an hour's time, so I allowed myself to relax and wallow a little longer.

Not long before then I had begun to dread being around the Commander, fearing him for what he might force upon me and hating him for the control that he had over me. But that never once occurred to me while I was grieving. It's odd, how when people die, those who were close always want to remember the departed in a brighter light. It is still a mystery to me as to why I didn't really see him as he was, but rather as how I would have liked to remember him. Or maybe it was just my subconscious acting up like a rebellious teen, wanting to be free of his constraints and at the same time too afraid to go one without them.

I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. As I headed back to my room, glass in hand, my attention was focused upon the piano, and I recalled the day that I had received it. The Commander had supervised the handling of the piano personally as the movers tried to maneuver the large musical instrument into my apartment. I had been curious at the time, and I remembered the small smile on his face as he played a short tune for me before teaching me the scales and the notes.

And so I put my glass of water down and I sat on the piano bench, gently running my fingers up and down the ivory and ebony. It wasn't long before they slowly began dance on their own, generating the soft melody of the very first piece that I had learned. But no matter how I tried to remember what the piece was called, I could not. In fact, I don't think I was ever told the name of the piece, nor was I given a sheet of music for it. My very first piece had been learnt by ear, and engraved in my memory.

So I played. I played to forget, I played to comfort, I played for pleasure. The after I was done with my first piece, my fingers didn't stop, instead choosing to dance further but to a different tune. And when they were through with that piece, they did a pirouette into another without stopping to catch a breath. I closed my eyes and I led myself away from the world as my fingers danced, danced and danced some more, each piece ceasing to be an individual and instead blending into a tapestry that illustrated all that I was. And then the music stopped….

But the tapestry wasn't complete, there was still something missing but I could not remember what, and so I opened my eyes and I saw. Moonlight Sonata waited in front of me, patiently, as if it knew that its turn would come in due time, as if it knew that it would be last. It had to be last, there was no other place for it. 

And so I closed my eyes and began the final dance. As the music flowed like the gentle waves of the ocean, I heard something that I could not place. It was in the piece, it was…different. And then I knew. The piece was complete.

"Very impressive Wonder Girl." I heard Asuka say from behind me after a few moments of silence. 

"Thank you." I said, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm glad you decided to join the world of the living." Her words struck a nerve and I stood up, intending to leave for my room once more. "Hold on one second there. I thought you might need something to cheer you up, so I got you these."

"Another book about what I'm feeling?" I asked as I picked up my glass of water.

"Do you like to hold grudges or what? Hey! Will you at least look at them?" She demanded and stepped in my way, shoving several packets of papers at me. They were music sheets. My curiosity briefly aroused, I placed my glass back down and took the music sheets from her.

"Ronda Alla Turca by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart." I cringed somewhat as I read the name. Luckily, Asuka didn't seem to notice.

"All your pieces sound so dark, so I thought I might broaden your horizons a bit." She said with a smug look.

"Thank you." I replied slowly, unsure of how to express that I didn't exactly like Mozart's pieces. "However…I…don't especially like this composer's pieces." The look she gave me was akin to that of utter horror.

"What? How can you not like Mozart? He is only the best classical composer ever!"

"They do not suit my tastes."

"What exactly don't you like about his music?"

"They have…too many notes…"

"Mein Gott!" She interjected. "That has to be the most retarded thing I have ever heard anyone say! Sit down!" She commanded and pointed at the piano bench. I decided to humor her. She sat down next to me after shedding her coat, and then cracked her knuckles with a bemused smirk upon her face.

"You…know how to play the piano?" I asked curiously.

"Well, yeah." She said sarcastically. "Sometimes, I wonder about you girl." She chuckled at her own play on words.

"You're good," She continued. "But now I'll show you how to play a piano the right way." She finished in an imperious tone and a flourish before she began to play.

I was slightly insulted that she would try and tell me how to play the piano, but that slowly left as she played on. It certainly was…different from what I was used to hearing from a piano piece. It was fast and upbeat. It didn't take me long to figure out why Asuka liked Mozart's pieces, for the music seemed to compliment her personality. Full, fancy, extravagant, catchy and full of fire. It was obvious to me that Mozart was not an overly depressed man, but rather a very playful and passionate composer. But what surprised me the most, was that the music wasn't stressful at all, and I realized how ridiculous it sounded when I had said that I thought there were too many notes. In fact, there were just enough notes to make the piece solid and otherwise flawless.

"Well? What do you think?" Asuka asked with an expectant smile.

"I think…" I began slowly. "I think that I might have found a new, favorite composer."

"Duh." I looked over Rondo Alla Turca with some interest. "Well? Why don't you give it a shot?"

"I'm back." Shinji said from the front door as he wlked in with his arms full of groceries. "Rei! Good to see you up!" I nodded.

"Excellent! Rei was about to show me how skilled of a musician she is by playing this new piece that I bought her." Asuka said and clapped me on the back. I looked at her worriedly, at first wanting to object, not really wanting to play for fear of making errors in front of others. However, her eyes stopped me. She was silently challenging me, to see who was a better player, probably not the last challenge that she would issue. I felt a sort of pricking inside of me and instead of declining I nodded.

"Yes. Would you like to listen Shinji?"

"Of course I would." He responded enthusiastically after placing the groceries on the kitchen counter top. 

And so I turned to the piano, looked over the notes very quickly and I put my skills to the test. At first I was afraid that the piece's speed was too fast for me to handle, but I told myself that I would not be upstaged, and so I concentrated and played with a fervor. When I was done, Shinji was smiling and clapping. Asuka sat next to me dumbfounded.

"That was great Rei." Shinji said, and I smiled at him before I turned and I smiled at Asuka.

"Well…" Asuka began. "Moving on, how about this one Rei?" Asuka resumed her cocky air and put Rondo Alla Turca aside, putting up a new piece in its place. "I'll run through this once to give you an idea of how it goes. Try to keep up with me." She added condescendingly and played.

Our contest took up most of the late afternoon, each of us trying to steal the center spotlight from the other. As such, Shinji wasn't able to begin dinner until the early evening. It was a western recipe: salmon filets fried in a pan, topped with pesto sauce and served on a bed of sautéed spinach. It was very tasty. I had not forgotten my pain, but it was dulled as I listened to Shinji and Asuka talk animatedly about nothing at all.

I could say that the significance of the entire day was made known to me during one of my reflections, but it was not. In fact, it struck me as suddenly as the news of the Commander's death. I had just gotten through getting ready for bed and was exiting the bathroom when Asuka stepped by me to get her turn in the bathroom.

"Sohryuu." I began.

"Yeah?" She asked irritably her hand on the door, ready to close it as soon as I was done.

"Thank you." I said in reference to the pieces that she had bought me. Her look softened a bit.

"Don't mention it, and call me Asuka."

*******

It seemed as if things were taking a different turn. I had lost someone that I had held dear, and at the same time I made a friend out of someone who before I had thought that I had clearly disliked. Its rather odd how life sometimes worked out that way.

So I thought as I got ready for bed, that was what life felt like. Playing against Asuka gave me a sort of rush, and I could feel by the end of the competition that my cheeks were flushed, and I had actually been smiling as I had forced Asuka to acknowledge me as her equal in at least one regard. Human interaction, I thought, was something I could get used to…maybe. But really, I had been able to go throughout the day and actually smile without thinking about the Commander or my purpose…or my lack thereof.

As soon as my head hit the pillow though, I was once again assailed with fear and grief. What would I do without a purpose? I had gone through the day without a purpose, but could I go for the rest of my life without a purpose? Not that I really had much of a choice, but I feared having to live. For although that day been a good day, relatively speaking, not everyday would be a good day. I feared the uncertainty that accompanied living day to day without a real specific purpose or meaning to life. Was that why humans sought companionship? Was that their way of making do without a purpose? Since they didn't have a purpose to look forward to, they would look forward to spending time with those that they loved. Everyday would be an uncertainty, and everyday they would wake up, hoping that the day would be the best day of their life. Sometimes it would be, and sometimes it wouldn't be. If it turned out to be an awful day, they would go home and hope for a better day when the sun again rose. I didn't know if I could do that. Those who had nothing to look forward to, often end up taking their own lives. Since I had nothing to look forward to, would I end up like them? What did I have to look forward to everyday? I didn't have a significant other, I didn't have a family, and I didn't have a job. My grades were awful because I spent so much time at NERV central rather than at school, so what University could I get into? If the last angel were found and destroyed, then I would lose my purpose, and the way that it was turning out, the last angel would be making its grand entrance in no time at all. So without a personal life to look forward to, without future, and without a purpose, what reason would I have to endure the uncertain days ahead? Would they be happy? Would they be sad?

I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember it being the worst night of my life.

*******

I woke up in a cold sweat, thunder exploded outside of my room with such force that my room seemed to shake, the lightning flashed so bright that my room had been completely illuminated for a split second, and it was raining so hard that the sound of it drumming against the building was deafening. I quickly got up and out of bed, and was surprised to feel cold water touch my feet as I set them upon the floor. I stood up and I saw that the floor of the room was covered with icy cold water up to my ankles. My heart was racing so fast that I felt that I might have a heart at any moment. I looked at the walls and saw water running down the sides, the force and quantity of the flow increasing with every minute. I felt wet drops on the top of my head and I looked up to find water dripping from the ceiling.

Then something banged against my window. I jerked around in shock and fear, and I saw a crow beating its wings against window, trying to get into my room. And then I looked into the crow's eyes, red eyes, and my entire being was filled with horror. It was as if I saw every awful thing in the world stuffed into the soul of one bird. I went cold, I felt my stomach churn, my heart sink to my toes and the urge to vomit. The crow began to beat against my window with an even greater fury and I felt myself frozen in place, transfixed upon the harbinger. My heart never slowed down a beat, my breath came in short quick gasps, and suddenly the room was so cold that I could very clearly see my own breath in the darkness of the room. Then I felt the water had reached my knees and when I looked down, there was another thunder and lightning clash. I saw that I had been mistaken, that it was not rainwater that was leaking into my room…it was cold blood. Then the window broke.

The crow flew in with a fury and came right at me. I didn't scream, I didn't cry out in shock, all I did was raise my arms to shield my face, but it never touched me. It flew right overhead and toward the door of my room. I turned to face it since I knew that the door of my room was closed, and I right before my eyes, I saw the crow morph from the shape of a bird to that of a human…with eyes as red as mine.

"Nagisa." I managed a hoarse whisper.

"Ayanami." He replied coolly with a smile.

"You're…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"Tabris, the Seventeenth Angel, at your service." He said with a polite bow.

Then the room was no longer so dark, for the walls had turned into mock television screens. Each wall a separate screen, each screen showing a different horror show. There was a gap in one screen due to the space for the mirror, but that didn't detract anything from the overall scene that unfolded beneath the red tinge of human life.

On one screen was a terrified Dr. Ibuki, on another an equally terrified Lt. Hyuga, on another a surprised looking Lt. Aoba, and on the final one a very serious and pensive Commander Ikari. Each scene was their end.

"You…you…" I began as I looked over all them, my gaze resting on the one of the Commander, the screen directly behind the Seventeenth Angel. "You…killed all of them." I choked out.

"Correction, all but one. Hyuga ran out into the rush hour traffic before I could finish with him. But I'm not too worried, he's a vegetable anyway." He explained nonchalantly as he waded closer to me.

"Stay…away…" I said softly and slow began to move backwards. Then I felt something cold touch my cheek from behind. I spun around to find that he had magically appeared on the other side of the room.

"Come now Rei…if I may call you Rei? Just because I am what I am, doesn't mean that we can't still be friends." His finger traced down the side of my face before he used it to lift my chin so that I was looking directly into his eyes. "I'm not here to hurt you Rei."

"You…will be…destroyed…" I said through chattering teeth.

"Don't be childish Rei. I've come here to save you." 

And suddenly my senses took hold and I turned to run toward my bedroom door. The blood made it difficult so I tripped and fell a few times, completely drenching myself in the process. His laughter echoed hideously behind me. Then the distance to my front door seemed to extend like a corridor, and it became a game to try and keep up and over take it. It seemed like centuries until finally, out of breath, I caught it and ripped it open, only to have forced closed again in front of my face as Nagisa had done his transportation trick again. I stumbled backwards in the water, wanting to keep as much distance as possible between him and myself. As quickly as the room had lengthened, it shortened. Soon, the small of my back was pressed up against my desk, and he shortened the distance between the two of us slowly. I was exhausted, and out of breath from my dash to the door, and I knew that I had no strength left to fend him off.

"At least hear me out Rei, I'm sure that you'll like what I have to say."

"No, you stay away." I said as firmly as I could in my condition.

"Okay, if that'll make you more receptive." He said and raised his hands in surrender, his smile never left his face. "You know, we're not so different. In fact, we're almost exactly alike. The only difference I think, is that you're not completely an Angel, you only have the bare necessities."

"We are nothing alike." I hissed at him, feeling his words strike me like bullets.

"Or so you want to believe, but is that really true?" He paused briefly to flick a few strands of hair from in front of his eyes. "Look at us. Pale skin, red eyes, unnatural hair color. We have the same build, the same tone of voice, the same likes and dislikes. Hell, we even have the same purpose."

"I…I am nothing like you…I am a human being…" I told myself in vain as he forced himself upon me.

"Look at me Rei."

"No." I replied weakly.

"Look at me Rei. Look at me and see. See how alike we are."

"No purpose…" I squeaked.

"Yes you do Rei. Yes you do. You were created for a purpose, and do you know what that purpose is?"

"It was to…to…reunite the Commander with Shinji's mother."

"Bullshit. You can dress it up with as many flowers as you want to, but it's still the same dish. Its called Third Impact Rei." 

"And you killed him!" I screamed, tears mixing with the blood running down my cheeks.

"That's right, I killed Commander Gendo Ikari. How you can cry over that man is beyond me. He was the epitome of selfishness in human beings. He is the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. I would have done it sooner too, but someone stopped me…" He trailed off, his smile never leaving his face.

"Shinji…" I said softly.

"He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Did I ever tell you about the first time I met him?" And then the screens changed scenes. "It was wonderful. His heart and soul were fragile, like glass…no…not like glass…like the finest crystal. He was the exact opposite of his father. Selfless, kind, gentle and loving. I wanted to spend as much time as I could around him, for he was the only human I had ever seen who was like that. It felt so wonderful to be around a person so beautiful. It was like being around the Son again. Mercy abound, he was willing to forgive his father if his father would only say that he was sorry. His father never did say sorry, and Shinji cared for him still. His father forced him to harm one of his friends, and yet the reason why he was so hurt and angry was because he didn't hate him…he couldn't hate him…its not in Shinji to hate. In fact…Shinji still loved him.

"When I met him, all he needed was a little love. And I knew, that if there was one person to save this world for, it was him. And so I denied my purpose, I denied it and suffered everyday that I prolonged it, just to be around him. I loved him." And then the room got colder as his eyes got redder, and his smile disappeared completely. "I loved him when no one else did, and he chose her over me. Her! Over me! Just like how he chose her over you.

"I watched him corrode slowly. His beauty tarnish from her. She couldn't love him nearly as much as I did, but he chose her anyway. Does it matter if I'm male or female? Does it matter if I'm different? Apparently, I was blinded by his beauty for I couldn't see that he wasn't as highly evolved as I thought he was. Differences do matter to him. Why else do you think he chose her over you?"

"Shinji chose her because he loved her…he loves me too…just…in a different way…" I said weakly.

"But you don't want his love just in that way, do you? You want his love the same way that I want it." And then he treaded so close to me that he was mere inches away. "I was suffering for nothing. I was suffering for something I would never have. I was denying my purpose so that I could watch at a pained distance him and her fuck like animals. Not make love, but fuck. Not the emotional unification of souls, but sexual gratification of two animals. But not anymore Rei, not anymore. I'm going to fulfill my purpose."

"I won't let you."

"Yes you will. And do you know how I know that? Because no matter how much you want to deny it, you aren't human, you are like me. Because I know you don't want to live without a purpose either. It hurts you just as much as it hurts me. Do you know what else I know? I know that you'll help me too, because I have an offer for you. That's why I'm here." And he leaned forward until his mouth was right next to my ear, the cold emanating from him as if he were a pillar of ice.

"Do you want to be a star?" He asked simply. My eyes widened.

"It was you…" I said in awe.

"Yes, it was. And I mean it too. If you want to be a star, I can make you star. I can make you a star far away from everything else, all you need to do is keep them from reaching me when I head for Adam on Saturday. No more hurt, no more pain, all there will be is eternal beauty."

"A star…" I said in wonder. "But…Shinji…"

"I can make him a star too if you want. I'll put him right next to you, because truth be told, I still love him enough to do that for him."

"But…what's in it for you? What's stopping you from being the star next to him?" He moved so that there was hardly any air between his face and mine. His lips brushed up slightly against mine, and I shuddered.

"That doesn't matter to me anymore. Not him. I just want to complete what I was sent to do. And then I'll be happy. No more pain for me. And all you have to do is help." And then his lips pressed gently against mine. "I'll make you a star."

*******

I woke up in a cold sweat. It was raining outside, but only lightly. Just a soft pattering against my window. I looked up and the ceiling was dry, nothing dripping. I looked at the wall, and they too were dry, no waterfalls flowing onto the floor. I got up shivering and stepped onto the floor, and felt no blood beneath my feet. Then the entire nightmare flashed before my eyes, and I felt the urge to vomit. I quickly ran out of my room, past the closed door to Asuka's room and into the bathroom, Nagisa's words going through my mind every second.

__

'I can make you a star. All you need to do is help. Our purpose is the same. You won't feel hurt anymore. We're not all that different. In fact, we're practically the same…same…'

I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I kneeled over it, gasping for breath, my body racked with shivers. Every so often, I felt the need to retch again, and so I kneeled there almost unmoving for a long time. Finally I felt well enough to get up and flush the toilet, my mind a jumble of thoughts and my heart overloaded with emotions that I didn't know what to do with. I brushed my teeth, and looked at myself in the mirror.

__

'Same eyes, same skin color, same tone of voice, same hair…'

"We are nothing alike." I tried to say through a mouthful of toothpaste. I think that even if my mouth was clear of any debris, it wouldn't have been a very strong statement.

I shed my clothes and prepared a hot bath for myself, feeling my body racked with the chills. I submerged myself in the hot water, still feeling the ghost of the blood against my skin…soaking me to the bone…freezing me in place as he seduced me. I felt filthy. I felt unclean. I felt like I had been raped. I felt like scrubbing my skin bloody. I felt like washing myself inside out. 

As I lay in the water, slowly rubbing my skin with a sponge, trying to get it clean of the feeling, I felt a new understanding of Asuka's situation with the Fifteenth Angel. I would never wish that feeling upon anybody, no matter how much I think I could hate them. Suddenly I began to cry again. I balled up and hugged my knees to my chest feeling hot tears of shame roll down my cheeks. I don't know how long I cried.

After I dried myself off and wrapped myself in a towel, I began to walk back to my room. On the way back, I stopped at Asuka's room, recalling how much Nagisa seemed to hate her. I stopped in front of her door and stood staring at it.

__

'But you don't want his love just in that way do you? You want his love the same way I do.'

"Do I?" I asked myself softly as I opened the door to her room.

Shinji and Asuka lay naked in her bed. From the waist down they were covered with her bed sheets, and it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what they had been doing. They slept peacefully in each other's arms, Asuka cuddled up against Shinji's side.

__

'I was forced to watch from a distance as they fucked like animals.'

"Lust." I whispered to myself as I closed the door and went back to my room. 

Instead up going back to bed though, I put on my clothes as if I were going out for the day. I put on my school uniform and my sweater, and I grabbed my umbrella.

I left my apartment and went downstairs. I stood at the front of the apartment building, not knowing the time of the morning, nor caring. I opened up my umbrella, held it over my head, and stepped out into the rain. I needed to do a lot of thinking before the next day.

*******

I wandered in the rain, without any real direction. Up and down the streets as the rain's pitter-patter against my umbrella calmed my nerves. No one else was there on the street, and why should they be? No one in their right mind would be walking down the streets in the early morning rain. I didn't classify. And so I walked, letting my mind wander as it pleased, but at the same time trying to steer it away from thinking about the night before. I knew that I would eventually have to confront the situation and eventually make a decision, and yet…I desired only to forget it.

I found myself at the coffee shop that Shinji had taken me too. The district was now completely closed. The theatres shut down until later in the morning, the restaurants closed and even the coffee was dark and unoccupied. I stood outside of the shop, staring inside, recreating one of the better moments of the last few weeks.

A person here, a person there. The coffee clerk with the artificial blonde hair. The modern artists sitting around the coffee table wearing identical black clothes, the only distinguishing feature were the different artificial colors of their hairs. The young business executives sitting by themselves at the solitary tables, reading the newspapers and keeping an ever-watchful eye on their laptop screens for messages and e-mails. And there I was…with Shinji, sitting over in the corner. And there I was, my back turned to myself, and Shinji fidgeting nervously with his utensils.

__

'You want his love the same way that I do.'

Do I? I never thought of it that way…maybe I did…maybe I didn't. I had never felt love before…or maybe I had…but I never knew how to define it. My care for Shinji…was love. I cherished him. But did I love him in that way? I couldn't remember ever feeling sexually aroused in his presence…although when he first came to move Asuka's furniture into my home…and the kiss I gave him as he slept on my couch.

But what about the Commander? He was supposedly important to me, but did I love him? I cried for him, but did that mean I loved him? Did I cry for him in grief, or did I cry for him in fear? I don't think I hated him, but was my dependency on him all that bound me to him? He was the only parental figure that I had. 

__

'The same way that he chose her over you.'

That wasn't true at all. In fact, his relationship with Asuka had almost ended because he paid so much attention to me. It would stand to reason that Asuka would be the one feeling threatened, not me. But that still didn't answer the question…did I love Shinji Ikari in that way? When I asked him if I were human, he said that I was his friend. Was I just his friend? Or did I want something more than friendship? Did he want something more than friendship? No…he didn't. He had Asuka. Why would he need me in that way? Did I need him in that way?

__

'I was forced to watch them fuck like animals'

But wasn't sex biological? Scientifically speaking, sex was the act of procreating, but the way that Nagisa described sex made it look more spiritual. A unification of souls, he called it. Which was it? Biological or emotional? Emotional made sense in a way, since humans are one of two creatures on Earth that actually have sex for pleasure. But then again, what was lust? An attraction by pheromones and aesthetic qualities combined, in essence the embodiment of the biological aspect. But the question still stood.

The way Shinji described the beginning of his relationship with Asuka, made it sound more biological. They lusted for each other and satisfied their lust for each other, and then a relationship formed. And yet, I felt that they loved each other very much. I thought about the way Asuka had looked before I left the apartment that morning. She held onto him, her head resting on his chest, a satisfied smile on her lips. Such a scene of tenderness. How could Nagisa doubt that they were in love? And even if sex were merely biological, isn't there something good to be said about a couple who can love each other so much and yet be able to just "fuck each other like animals"?

I felt some sort of relief come over me, for I had found a flaw in Nagisa's reasoning. My conclusion was that he was jealous that Asuka had something that he couldn't have. Besides, it was Shinji's choice to make. And so with one flaw, I could paint his entire argument red. But if only it were that simple.

As it began to dawn, the rain slowed so that I could close my umbrella without fear of getting wet. Cars began to appear on the streets, everyday people going to their everyday jobs, eager to get the day over with so that the weekend could begin. I continued my walk, the gray clouds never letting the city get too bright. It wasn't long before I found myself in the Keat's Diner, ordering myself breakfast. Eggs, toast and hash browns. 

When he had spoken about Shinji and Asuka, and his love for Shinji and his hate for Asuka, he had been imploring to my emotional side, a side that he never thought existed in me. I guessed that he was just trying to cover his bases, appealing to both sides of me. The side that could be emotional, and the side that had and desired a purpose. The choice between the old Rei and the new Rei. Choose purpose or choose life?

Nagisa's encounter was full of contradictions. Indirectly, he was said that I was human, and indirectly he said that I was a creation. So which was I really? If…I was a human, than I could automatically decide not to aid him since I didn't share his resentment for the human race and for Shinji and Asuka. However…the part that troubled me the most was how appealing his offer to help fulfill my purpose was. When he spoke those words to me…no more pain…that he could make me a star, that he could fulfill my purpose, I never missed a word. He had me by the ear and his words dripped in like a slow poison, absorbed through my ear drums and transported to my brain slowly eating away and killing me from the inside out.

My phone began to ring. I answered it and heard a worried voice on the other side.

"Rei? Where are you? We woke up this morning and you weren't home."

"Yes…I woke up early this morning…and went out for a walk. I am having breakfast right now." I answered timidly. I wanted as little contact as possible with Shinji and Asuka that day. I needed time to myself, time to think.

"Early this morning? It was raining all night! Are you okay? Did you take an umbrella?"

"Yes…you don't need to worry."

"Easy for you to say. When will you be home?"

"Not for a while I am afraid. I have…much to think about."

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice dropped, concerned.

"No…this is something I must do on my own. If I do not return by nightfall, do not wait up for me. I will see you tomorrow for synchronization tests."

"What?! Rei…" I turned off my cell phone before he could speak further. I would see him tomorrow for synchronization test…if tomorrow existed.

I paid my bill and I left. I made my way to the park and sat down on a damp bench, feeling some of the moisture beginning to soak through my skirt. I didn't care though. I sat and continued to ponder.

The park was one of my favorite spots to visit. Usually filled with some of the best moments of humanity. That day there was no one there, the day being too dreary for any sort of outdoor activity at all. The bench upon which I sat was near the playground for children. A slide, monkey bars, swings, a playhouse and a sandbox. Usually the laughter of children would fill the air as they ran from place to place, chasing imaginary butterflies or even each other, smiles abound on their faces. I don't think I have ever smiled like that, nor have I ever laughed like that. A couple walked by holding onto each other, stopping briefly to laugh as children playing tag ran across their path. An older couple watched carefully over the children, content smiles on their faces rather than joyous ones, knowing that the future lay in front of them.

Those were things that I never had. The way things were looking, even if tomorrow came and went without a hitch, there would be little chance that I would ever know the same sort of happiness. Maybe because I was never meant to experience that sort of happiness? So why should I deny my obvious creation, endure the years of uncertainty, fear and pain for happiness that I may never have? Maybe that was what Nagisa meant…that Shinji was my only chance at happiness, but as long as Asuka was with him, I would never have a shot at that happiness. So why should I be so selfless as to save the world for something that I may never have? Everyday looking and longing for something that I would never have, ever hoping and never having. Couldn't I be selfish? Wasn't I entitled to some peace as well? At least if I were a star, then I would be at peace…not happy, but at least at peace.

But was happiness worth it? It was a gamble, and did I really need Shinji all to myself to be happy? He cared about me, and it seemed that even Asuka may care about me…on some lesser degree of course. So if people cared for me, then wouldn't they try to make me happy? Did I have a better shot at happiness than I really thought? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. The uncertainty was the thing that was killing me. I knew that I was created for a purpose, and that everyday that my purpose wasn't fulfilled, I felt like that I was missing something from my life. That horrible feeling of emptiness, coupled with the possible pain that went along with choosing life, might just be a little more than I could handle. But would the happiness make it all worth it? Would it? Or maybe I could learn to be human? I didn't know…I didn't know…

So I sat for hours on end, the sun might've been high in the sky but I never knew, for the clouds blocked everything out of sight, out of mind. Time was nothing to me once again. No music to comfort me, no Shinji to try and make me feel better. All that I had was the question. Do I choose purpose? Or do I choose life? I don't think I had even realized that it had gotten dark, but what finally disturbed me was someone calling my name.

"Rei…Rei…" I looked up and I saw Misato standing in front of me, or was it really her? All the basic features were that of Misato Katsuragi, but her eyes were different…they were…motherly? There was no concern, no pity, only soft understanding. A mother…something that I never had…something that neither Shinji nor Asuka ever had.

"How are you feeling Rei?" She asked.

"Okay…not so good…" I replied softly.

"Come one, you're going to catch a death of cold out here." She said and began to walk away, waving me to follow. I don't why, but I stood up and I followed.

"How…did…you find me?" I asked absently.

"Shinji called, really concerned about where you were. So I got word out to Section 2 to keep me informed on your location all throughout the day. I can't believe you sat there that long." She said and shook her head. "Come on, I've got some dinner for you."

As I rode in her car, eating salad out of a Styrofoam container with a plastic picnic fork, I wondered who that woman was. Certainly it wasn't the Misato Katsuragi that I knew. She wasn't drunk, she wasn't hyperactive, and so who was she then? Was this a side of Misato that I had never seen? Had Shinji and Asuka ever seen this side to her? Perhaps.

I didn't notice when we began to head toward the outskirts of the city, my mind still occupied elsewhere. I didn't notice when we began an ascent toward the top of a hill. I didn't notice when we stopped.

"I lost my father too Rei, when I was young." She said finally.

"I am aware of your father's participation in…"

"No, don't." She stopped me. "That wasn't my father. Well, in a way he was and in a way he wasn't.

"I had thought at the time that I hated my father. He never paid any attention to me, and he always ignored my mom. I thought he hated me, so I hated him right back. All he ever had time for was his work. The only times he ever called on me was if he needed some errands ran, or he needed something from me. But when he died, for a long time I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had thought that I hated him…but he was my father…and it still hurt. Do you see what I'm saying Rei?"

"I…" I trailed off.

"It was a long time before I found something that helped me get over his death. But…it turns out that it wasn't very good for me, and its become a sort of vice of comfort. Asuka told me about some of the things that you like, and I think I found something that matches." That was definitely a part of Misato that I had never seen before. 

The entire time she sounded unsure of herself, almost like an actor preparing their lines for a play and then getting nervous on stage, repeating everything word for word and at the same time all the words sounding out of place and awkward.

"Hey Rei. We're here." She said and turned to face me.

"Here?" I asked curiously. "Where is here?"

"Get out and I'll show you." She said and left the car. I followed. We walked up a slight inclination, Misato carrying a small cooler with one hand. Then we stopped, she set the cooler down on the ground and sat facing out. I turned and did the same.

I saw the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen in my life.

I had no idea where the clouds had gone, but the sky was suddenly clear, and we were overlooking the city from a distant hill somewhere. But the city wasn't what caught my eye, it was the sky above. It was wonderful. There was so little light pollution…even now I can't begin to describe the feeling…there were so many more stars than I ever could have imagined. So many different colors, too subtle for the average person to tell, some light crimson, some light blue, some bright white, some solid, some flickering, some gigantic, some miniscule, each unique in its own very special way. They peppered the sky endlessly. It was almost as if the sky were a dome, and outside of it was a multitude of colors from some unknown magnificence, and on the surface of the dome were holes for the light to peep through. It shone and sparkled before me, and I found the Milky Way. Oh, it sparkled and shone. All my worries and troubles were forgotten as my eyes took in absolutely everything, wanting to leave no detail behind. And for a moment…my entire being was filled with happiness…no, not happiness…ecstasy, joy, elation. I felt that at that moment my greatest wish had been granted. I stood up and I reached toward the heavens, my heart feeling as though at any moment it would burst…what a feeling it was…and I closed my eyes, each eye a lens of a camera, capturing everything to be forever stored in my mind. If I never saw something so beautiful again, at least I had the memory. Then when I opened my eyes, I saw the North Star and I had an epiphany…

*******

Misato and I had stayed on the hilltop for a long time, not saying much but not needing to say much. She drank some iced coffee from her cooler and the only verbal exchange between us was when I thanked her for the gift. And then the klaxons went off just at midnight struck, and I knew it was time to perform.

*******

As the situation stood, there had been a pattern blue reading right inside of the city, but nothing was destroyed. I couldn't help but silently compliment Nagisa on the cleverness of his plan, which was so painfully obvious to me. He got a panic going inside of the city, causing alarm and yet he was still close enough to a NERV entrance to make his appearance swiftly, posing as a pilot and getting into our base, right under our noses.

I remember feeling the Misato's car tilt left and right as he drove down the streets and an equally alarming speed, going to my apartment to pick up Shinji and Asuka to take back to NERV with us. They got into the car and I briefly remember Shinji asking me if I was okay. I can't remember what my exact response was since my mind was at work thinking of a way to reach the Seventeenth Angel before they did.

Shinji and Asuka rushed to the locker rooms while Misato ran off toward the Operations Center. Employees ran back and forth, yelling over intercoms, their boots thudding against the floor adding more chaos to the situation. How easy it would be for him…how easy it would be for me. Without heading to the locker rooms, I began to make my way into the depths of NERV.

I had never felt so confident in my life. My heartbeat was steady, my breathing even, and my strides were solid. I briefly mused, how interesting it was that when I had a certain purpose to my existence, I only felt confusion and worry, and yet then as I was faced with the ultimate uncertainty, I was ready and devoid of fear.

With my decision made, I found myself in front of the infamous double doors. They were already open, the pool of LCL giving of a warm haze that slightly blurred everything in the room with the exception of the monstrous angel pinned in a mocking image of the crucifixion, a purple mask with seven eyes upon its face. And standing at the edge was the Seventeenth Angel, Tabris, Kaworu Nagisa.

My palms began to sweat in anticipation and my pulse quickened just a bit. I prayed for the strength that I would need to face him, and I took a deep breath.

"Do you know when I made my decision Rei?" He asked without turning around.

"I do not remember being on a first name basis with you, Nagisa." He chuckled softly.

"You know, there was a time where I knew that if I faced off against Shinji as the Seventeenth Angel, he would hold me the hand of his Eva unit, and he would not be able to kill me because I was his friend. I made my decision when one day, I looked at him in the eyes, and I knew that given the same situation now, he would crush me without a second thought, because I posed a threat to her." He shook his head. "It's a sad thing."

"You will fail." I said firmly.

"Somehow, I knew it would come to this. Of course you would choose your new master over me."

"He is not my master. He is my friend." I replied coldly and he cackled at that.

"In any case Rei, as usual, you are a day late and a dollar short. There is no way you can stop me…" And then he trailed off, and I let a smug smirk make its way onto my face, because I knew something that he didn't.

He turned to me, his eyes burning whiter than coals and a scowl evident on his face.

"This isn't Adam." He growled.

"How perceptive of you Nagisa."

"Where is he, Rei?"

"So you don't know everything after all." My body tensed.

"You will tell me where he is!" He shrieked and I felt a wave of force strike me in the dark room. His AT field was deployed. I smiled.

"Don't be childish Nagisa. Such a brute display of force has now doomed you." And then his eyes widened as he realized that he had erred.

"You…you…" He started, his eyes giving off light, his clothes moving as it they had a life of its own his body trembling from rage. He snarled and began to walk toward me, and I slowly lifted my shield against him. I raised my own AT field. At that, his snarl slowly morphed into a cruel cackle.

"Do you even know what an AT field is?" He asked, halting his advance briefly. "It's the barrier of the human soul. And you, without even a real soul, hope to stop me with that?!" I held my ground.

"Very well, it's your funeral isn't it? And when I'm done with you, I'll fight Asuka, then Shinji and then if I have to, I will take apart the entire world looking for Adam!" He screamed and struck me.

He was right. There was no chance that my AT field would be able to stand up against his, but I needed to bide time…time until Shinji could get there in his Eva…and then the final angel would be destroyed. 

My ears were ringing, my vision was blurred. As I got up, I felt blood slowly dripping down from the corner of my mouth and I looked at him. Nothing registered on his face but the insane smile. Then he rushed at me again. I managed to dodge his next strike and throw and actual counterblow, boosting his momentum so that he crashed into the wall that was behind me. He slowly crawled out of the hole that he created, his shirt in ruins and pants in tatters, but his smile never leaving his face. I took a shoulder width stance, my senses still not fully recovered, and waited for his next attack.

It came much faster than the last two, and I was caught completely off guard. He rushed toward me in the same fashion, however I was just barely able to dodge that time. But before I could propel him forward, he adjusted the focus of the AT field and instead forced be backwards with an awesome force, sending me skidding along the floor, tearing my sweater, my skirt and my skin. I cried out in pain every time I hit the floor like a skimming stone. I finally came to a halt when I struck a wall, having the wind knocked out of me.

As I tried to breathe, I slowly stood up again, my legs shaking uncontrollably, unsure if I could stand for much longer. I also didn't know how many more hits like that I could take. I found that I was having difficulty using my left arm, and I looked down and I saw that it was broken, the bone pressing up against the inside of my skin causing it stick outward at an awkward angle. But for some odd reason, that didn't seem to hurt at all.

When I looked up, he was right in front of me, eyes ablaze, and he grabbed me by my neck. Then he threw me back against the wall, once again knocking the wind out of me. Then all I could do was lay on the floor trying to catch my breath as I prayed for Shinji or Asuka to arrive swiftly before I was no more and Nagisa could escape to wreak havoc another day.

Then I was picked up, and thrown against the wall again, and again, and again. Each time with more force than the time before, and I felt bone crunch and parts of me twist into positions not meant to be. Every hit was numbing, driving me further from my senses until it seemed like I was not in my body at all. I was watching myself being killed. Blood pooled on the floor, soaking my clothes completely. Finally, he held me up by the neck and slowly began to constrict my trachea.

"It will all be over soon Rei. You see? I'm making good on my promise, even though you never held up your end of the bargain. Now you'll be a star."

"Kaworu stop!" Shinji's voice echoed and I saw myself drop to the floor, feeling relief flow through me, and then dread. He wasn't in his Eva. Shinji stood in his plug suit, with a pistol in his hands. On either side of him was Misato and Asuka, also holding guns. And not far behind them, an entourage of security guards with automatic weapons. I felt like crying, for no matter how many guns they had, they came down without Evas, and all seemed lost.

"Two birds with one stone." Nagisa said flashing me a smile before turning to face them.

"Stop this Kaworu!" It pained me to see Shinji that way. 

Tears were in his eyes as he saw a dear friend of his going completely mad. His eyes shifted to me, and he sobbed. I felt like telling him not to cry for me. I felt like telling him to go back and get his Eva before it was too late. But I didn't feel like I was in control of my body. So I tried, I tried with all my might to gain control again. Maybe, just maybe there was a way to help still.

"She's gone now Shinji. Your Wonder Girl, your puppet, your precious Rei tried to stop the inevitable. Much like you're doing now."

"Don't take another step!"

"You'd like to shoot, wouldn't you?" He asked Misato. "Go ahead."

Without blinking, she did. I wanted to tell her not to, tell her the futility of the situation, but it could not be done. The shot echoed endlessly in my mind. Every sound that I heard was hollow, as if it were being projected through a long pipe. But I was getting closer, I could feel myself getting closer. I needed to get back before he hurt Shinji further.

The bullet stopped in midair, but it did not drop to the ground. Instead he expanded it sending it back toward Misato, her own bullet striking her shoulder. With a cry of pain she collapsed on the ground, Asuka rushing over to see if she were all right.

"No!" Shinji screamed and aimed. I saw his finger on the trigger, gripping it tightly, wanting to pull, and yet still not being able to. Rage and sadness ran down his cheeks as the security began to back away, uncertainty and fear evident on their faces.

"That's right. You can't beat me." The Seventeenth mocked.

I could feel the pain. It was excruciating. Every part of my body from the waist up exploded with fire and electricity. For a moment I was incapacitated and I choked on a breath, drawing a surprised look from Shinji and the Seventeenth.

"Well, well. Looks like you weren't through after all. I should finish what I start."

"Don't you take another step toward her!" Shinji cried out, his finger threatening to drop the hammer. I prayed that Shinji wouldn't, not until I could help.

"How much does she mean to you? Does she mean more to you than me? You're willing to kill your friend over this doll who you were afraid of for so long?" The Seventeenth asked once again turning away from me. 

I tried to move, my broken arm crunching slightly as I put pressure on it to raise myself up. I ground my teeth in pain so much that it felt as if they would go flat. I tried to move my legs, but I still felt detached from them. I tried to twist myself into a sitting position, only to have my nerves blasted with waves of pain from the small of my back. My spine was broken as well. I gave out a cry and fell backwards.

"Look at her, she's pathetic."

"Hang on Rei!"

"And you still love her more than me. I just down get you Shinji Ikari. Fine, if she means to so much to you, go ahead and shoot me." The Seventeenth raised his arms, exposing his full frame. "It would be my pleasure."

Shinji looked into my eyes, and I back into his. I saw so much, and I felt so much. My vision clarified, what was left of my strength returned and as soon as his eyes shifted, I acted. I would protect Shinji.

Three gunshots echoed with a hollow sound. The bullets seemed to move in slow motion for me as I felt my body being drained like a flowing faucet. The bullets stopped like the first and hovered in midair. I was suddenly aware of the blood leaving my body, slowly being pumped out as my heart fluttered and flickered like a dying light bulb. The bullets hovered and the Seventeenth began to slide involuntarily forward, closer to the bullets. He looked back at me in shock and surprise, growled and swung his farce back at me forcing me back into the wall, one final blow. Then his AT field was pierced. The conclusion was an obvious answer to a mathematical allocation question. All it took was one bullet.

It thudded into the Seventeenth, and blood shot forward from the wound. The rest of the field collapsed, the other two finalizing their journey like the first. A deafening roar of gunfire issued forth and the Seventeenth looked as though he had sprung a hundred leaks. He fell to the floor next to me, still making an effort to breathe.

He turned to look at me, and I saw fear, sadness and confusion in his eyes, his eyes as red as the life that left him. The Seventeenth was no more. For a moment, I felt sorry for him. He never understood why, and that was the only reason why he acted. But I understand, for I had an epiphany.

I once again feel detached, and as though I am looking down upon myself. Shinji is cradling me in his arms, tears running down his face. Don't cry Shinji, not for me. I didn't do this so that you could be sad, I did this so you could be happy. His words are hollow, and I can not understand them, but I do not need to understand his words to understand their meaning. Their meaning is that I will be missed.

All pain is gone from me. All feeling is gone from me, except for the warmth of his touch. My skin is even paler than before, and my hair is matted to my head and face with blood, no longer blue but a little purple from the combination of colors. My eyes are still bright red. I have never been happier. I feel that my greatest wish has been granted, my heart feels as though at any moment it will burst…what a feeling it is…and I close my eyes, each eye a lens of a camera, capturing everything to be forever stored in my mind. If I never see something so beautiful again, at least I have the memory. When I open my eyes, I see the North Star and…

*******

I had an epiphany. It didn't matter what I looked like. It didn't matter if I were human or not. The fact was that I was irreplaceable. I didn't need Nagisa to make me a star. I was a star already, unique, beautiful and mysterious. I was a star in the eyes of Shinji, Misato, Asuka, Horaki, Suzuhara, Aida and any other person that met me or could meet me in the future.

It also didn't matter whether Shinji loved me in that special way or not. I didn't even know if I loved him in that way or not, so why should I be concerned about whether he chose me over Asuka, or something as ridiculous? What mattered was that I was important to him, as a friend and maybe something more.

I chose life. Even if it meant living the rest of my life in the anxiety of denying my purpose, to be able to hear Shinji say _"That was beautiful"_, would make everything worthwhile. I chose an outing at the mall with Asuka and Horaki. I chose the music sheet that he bought as a simple gesture of friendship. I chose talking with him and Asuka over coffee and tea. I chose parties at Misato's, jobs that pay and whatever else life has to offer for me. I was not afraid anymore.

Fin

****

Author's Notes: I know this seems a bit rushed, and many things seem really out of place. Dialogue could definitely be better, I know, but tell me all the flaws anyway. To tell you all the truth, I just wanted this out of my incomplete works folder already. I hope you all enjoyed it. All forms of review are welcome.


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